Letter to Myself

**This is a letter to myself after 6 months of surgery - both to the past and present me.  It's a reminder to myself for the tough times. **

Dear Me,

You would be amazed at where you are 6 months after weight loss surgery.  I remember when you could barely bend over and tie your shoe without losing your breath.  How far you've come in such a short time!

When you started this journey back in August, you were sad and disappointed in yourself.  You wanted to feel differently about yourself and desired so much more out of life than what you had settled for.  Well, I have some good news.  You're getting what you want.  You're making better choices, you're working hard, and you're making a difference to yourself.  Most importantly, you don't feel so disgusted with yourself all the time.  Don't get me wrong, you still have moments where you are discouraged and you look in the mirror and see the girl who started this journey at 304 pounds, but they're fewer and farther between now.  You're slowly changing the way you view yourself and though it is a work in progress you've grown by leaps and bounds.

The new energy and zest for life you have is so refreshing!  You should keep trying to conquer all the things that your weight held you back from.  This process is slower than you want it to be, but it's super important to keep positive, the good things in life are worth waiting for.

There are weeks where you will fall "off the wagon" don't beat yourself up too much for those, just look at it as part of life.  No one can be perfect at all times.  Just get back on as soon as you can, and keep plugging away.  Don't lose site of what you're after and don't let the moments you fall into a rut to hold you back too long.

Don't assume you have to do this alone.  Depend on those around you-they're all so willing to help you.  Lean on them in moments of weakness, they want to encourage you.  Don't be too stubborn to ask for the help you need.  Keep your pride in check.

Always, always consider where you were and where you are going when you get upset.  It will help you keep perspective.

Keep on plugging away!

Lots of love!!
Me :)

Failures Make Success SOOOO Much Sweeter :)

I had a really rough month from the middle of April until about a week ago, I felt like I couldn't lose and I was hungry all the time.  I started lifting and "yogging" with a couch to 5k program and again still not losing.  Needless to say, I was starting to feel like a weight loss surgery failure.  Was all my hard work for naught?  Was I doing something wrong?  What could I do differently?  After a few more days spent frustrated, I decided to use the tools I had in front of me.  I called my nutritionist and she told me to stop eating the calories I earned from working out.  Well that has done the trick for me in the last 10 days.

To my complete and utter astonishment when I tried on my wedding dress this weekend- it fit!  Last month I had inches to go before the zipper would zip up. And this weekend it zipped up no problem!  Let me tell you, with the sense of failure I'd been carrying around with me it was like a 1,000 pound weight was lifted off my shoulders when I heard that zipper go up.  It was validation for me - I was doing things right.  My hard work is paying off in both inches and some pounds right now (I am still losing weight it's just much slower than before)!  

I won't lie the losing inches thing was a hard idea for my to come to terms with, but after fitting into my gown - I feel like I've got to appreciate this as a victory.  After a month of "failure" this "victory" just gave me a renewed sense of empowerment for the journey I've started.  Just like in every other aspect of life, you've got to take the good with the bad - otherwise, you can't appreciate the victories as they come in.  It was a great lesson to learn this week.  :)

When all else fails, reach out - there is a support system out there for you, no matter your situation. And never forget the failures teach you more about yourself then the successes do - who you are is determined by how you react to them.

6 Month Update

Monday was my 6 month marker.  I can't believe all the progress I've made in 6 months, both on the scale and off.  It's been quite the journey thus far.

I've had my ups and downs, far more ups than downs though-so that makes me happy.   Everyday, I wake up and I'm grateful for the lapband.  My knee hurts a little less, I have more energy, I've stopped snoring from the excess weight (so I get a better nights sleep and so does my fiancee!), I am no longer angry and depressed, and I am certain that things will keep getting better. My mindset has changed as much as my pant size has!

The biggest change is the way I view the gym.  I know that's sort of a weird thing to change, but in my situation it was the most important change I could make- in order to be successful.  I used to look at the gym as the lowest task on my priority list.  A way to torture myself.  Now, though I still torture myself, I welcome and embrace it and know it's good for me.  I feel as though it is making me a stronger and more determined person (not to mention changing the way I look and feel).  I've started my couch to 5k program, chosen a 5k to run in July, started lifting, and I'm doing ab exercises too!  These are things I never would have done before my lapband, I would have been too negative, too sure I would fail.  Somehow, I know that I can do it this time.  I know that I have the tool I need to lose the weight, but I also recognize that it takes effort on my part.

I knew that this journey would be in my control, but I will admit that a small part of me thought it would be easy.  I mean, who wouldn't?  Weight loss surgery - come on - the weight should fall off me, it says so in the name of the surgery!  Not so much.  I have to actively participate and make choices that are hard.  I have to fight the instincts that have developed over the years and re-wire my brain.  However, it gets easier with every choice I make.  And one day, it will be an unconscious decision.  The work and the choices are on me- I have finally accepted that.  With the acceptance of responsibility comes power over my past.

So in 6 months, I've dropped almost 70 pounds and countless inches, changed my thoughts on the gym, made better food choices, and more importantly feel better about myself than ever before.  I think that's some major progress :)  I'm excited for the next 6 months and the continued changes!
 

Support is so Important

I went late last week to have a band-fill and it has made all the difference in the world.  I'm eating less, though I still don't think I'm quite in the "green-zone" yet (the "green-zone" basically is when you're able to eat less and feel full for 4 hours).  I am feeling more positive which in turns rejuvenates my motivation and commitment to my band and my new lifestyle.  I've even been prepping to start a couch to 5k program  - next week! But, I digress.

While in my surgeon's office getting stuck in the stomach with a needle (the least fun part of this whole thing) - he asked me what my support system was.  And he was not talking about the people in my life - but rather those who have also had WLS and could relate to my experiences, both the positive and negative.  My hospital does run a support group, but since I live so far away it is really hard to get there.  Anyways, coincidentally I had just started to feel like I was "on my own" and a little lonely when I met a fabulous person at work that had also had WLS and I had also joined and online forum for lapband patients.  I was suddenly getting more support than I could have asked for!  It does make all the difference.  Having the ability to discuss everything from burping (a habit that has increased since surgery-grrrross) to speed at which I'm eating, makes me feel like I'm not alone and the advice I've received is irreplaceable.  I'm very lucky to have found both my colleague and the forum.  That's not to say that the people in my life are not a huge support system, because they are.  My love has been amazing, encouraging, and more supportive than I ever could have asked for.  My friends have been fantastic too!  I couldn't do it without a combination of everyone's support.

Thank you all!

That said, I've lost the few pounds I had gained when I was not following plan due to hunger.  I've also lost a few extra pounds.  I'm down a total of 67 pounds and my BMI is down from 42 when I started this journey to 35 - I'm no longer in the morbidly obese category, I'm just obese.  Which as strange as it sounds, makes me excited.  It actually shows the progress I'm making using a standardized chart. As an aside, I get to have my knee surgery once my BMI is 30 or under - so I'm VERY close!! All of this combined, makes me a happy happy chunky chick :)

Post Surgical Thoughts

I've never been good at consistency, so I'm having a hard time keeping up with my new eating habits.  Which is leaving me feeling a bit inadequate.  I know, I shouldn't.  It's only been 5 months since surgery and I've lost a significant amount of weight.  BUT I would have thought at this point, I wouldn't struggle so much with making positive food choices, eating slowly, portion sizes, going to the gym, and fighting off my prior bad habits.  I do struggle, every day is a struggle.  It's been harder lately than I thought it would be now that the "newness" has worn off.  The pounds don't fall off as easily and the hard work is beginning (it's even harder now that I need a band fill).  It's all a lot to process sometimes.

My 10cc band only has just a little over 1cc in it, so it makes the control aspect I'm looking for from it a little harder.  When the tool I chose has such a wide range for effectiveness it's just frustrating.  I know this band is a tool to be used for the positive.  I know that.  I guess I'm just going through some growing pains lately.  I will wrap my head around it, I'm sure and come out successful.  But I am struggling.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having the surgery.  I'm glad I did it.  I know it was the right decision.  I just wish that I could snap my fingers and my mind set would change and I could have the dedication and consistency that so many people I know have.  I'm not comparing, I'm just yearning for that gene :)  On the flip side, it's only been 5 months and I've been making poor food choices my whole life, it's not like it can change over night and it will be trial and error throughout the process.

I'll get through this, I'm almost halfway to my goal weight-I just have to remember that...

Non-Scale Victories

So many times I link my victories to the number on the scale and sometimes my self worth too.  However, in the last few weeks, I've had so many non-scale victories that I have to share them and remind myself that it's not all about the numbers.  Indulge me the moment of gloating :)

1. Earlier this month I fit in an airplane seat and with ease could buckle the seatbelt.
1. This is HUGE because this time last year I had to hold my breath and squeeze into the seat and the seatbelt.
2. My watch freely moves on my wrist.
1. This is a big deal because 6 months ago my watch was so tight I could no longer wear it.
3. I went shopping in my own closet
1. I had a bag of clothes that I no longer fit in (for the last year) and I finally am able to fit in them and some of them are even big!
4. I'm wearing an XL shirt today, rather than a 1X or 2X
1. That's what I had been wearing for months if not years
5. My engagement ring spins on my finger
1. It was a little snug when we got it a month ago
6. I *almost* fit in my wedding gown
1. We bought it 2 sizes smaller in December and I could barely zip it at all
7. My surgeon told me I was losing weight like a champ :)
8. The compliments on my changed appearance
1. I was called the incredible shrinking woman yesterday :)
2. I was complimented and told to wear more form fitting clothes and be proud of all I've accomplished today 

So, for those of you that think the scale is to live and die by - it's not.  There are so many other experiences that make this journey worthwhile.  Place value in the things that may be unimportant to others, but hold special meaning for yourself - in weight loss attempts and in life.  

I'm so proud of myself and what I've accomplished (on and off the scale) and the milestones I've hit.  

Thanks for the indulgence :)

I think I can...I think I can...

My shoes were so bad, I was getting shin splints and had to wait for my new ones to come in the mail -so, I fell off the wagon for a whole week.  I was like a hoover and felt like my band had no restrictions to it at all.  I know I need a band-fill, but this was a little over the top.  My appointment in March can't come fast enough!

I ate whatever I wanted, didn't go to the gym, and had a grand old time.  I only felt a little guilty that I put my body through a surgery and could so easily fall of the wagon.  Which is not good...HOWEVER, that said - as of yesterday I am back on with a vengeance.  I needed a reality check and when I stepped on the scale and hadn't lost a pound in more than a week (though thankfully I hadn't gained a pound either), I knew I wasn't doing myself or my band any justice.

After having been off the gym wagon for 5 days, it's really hard to shift my mentality back to working out.  Getting out of bed is harder and my motivation has dwindled.  I know after a few more days it will be the same as before, but damn is it hard to get going again.  BUT, I went to the gym yesterday and walked for 40 minutes and then did the dreaded weight lifting and was up and at 'em early this morning too.

I should probably embrace my struggle, since the harder I fight it the worse off I seem to be.  That or I am just meant to fight this battle every step of the way....at least I will appreciate it more when I get to the end of this journey.  :)