A Little Inspiration Goes a Long Way

While driving on the MassPike on my way to work everyday, I see a beautiful lone yellow flower.  The flower has grown on one of the grates on the side of the highway near the fast lane.  The flower is all alone, though I'm unsure of what it is, it is beautiful.  That flower has overcome so many obstacles:  it's all alone, it's on the highway growing in a grate, no one to nurture it, surviving on determination and shear willpower.  And every day it flourishes and looks more beautiful than the last.  

This flower brightens my day every morning.  It gives me inspiration and motivation when I have nothing left. It drives me to continue on this journey and lets me know that, like the flower, I can overcome any obstacle with determination and willpower.

To date I am down 74 pounds.  Most of which I lost due to willpower and ignoring hunger pains. There have been many moments that I have felt like giving up.  I have wanted to go back to my surgeon and tell him to take the band out and give me the bypass, because I am obviously no good at self control.  I've regretted my decision, I've been dark and unmotivated at times.  And I'm sure I will still have those moments, but they're now fewer and farther between.  Having finally reached my "green zone" with my band and given up most carbs (mainly because they get stuck), I feel like I can finally use my tool to it's fullest potential and be successful.  Currently, I am trying to focus on my protein intake and working out.  With my band working, I have reached a point where the obstacles on my journey don't discourage me - they inspire me to try harder.  I am finally living my life to the fullest and looking at this journey knowing I can do this.

Looking at that flower every morning and seeing it's beauty and the obstacles it has overcome, I am more motivated and inspired.  If this beautiful flower can live in such miserable circumstances and thrive - I can do anything too.  

Restriction...FINALLY :)

Well, it's so lovely to finally feel restriction :)  It makes such a difference in both weight loss and my feelings of success.

For those of you that have a big question mark over your head, here's the run down.  I have the lapband which is a purely restrictive procedure (a small band is placed around a portion of my stomach to create a new pouch), as opposed to the bypass which is both a mal-absorbtive (you don't absorb the food into your body the same way as pre-surgery) and a restrictive (your stomach is actually cut down in size).  With the band, you frequently check in with your surgeon to have saline put into your port (a small device placed just under the skin) to to change the restriction of the band.  Until you find your "sweet spot" or "green-zone" (which is restriction-smaller portion sizes and feeling full longer), you're basically doing it on sheer willpower.  With the lapband, you obviously cannot eat what you did pre-surgery due to the already small size of the pouch/stomach, but without restriction you can eat more than you're supposed to.

I'm sure you're wondering what they do to "fill me".  The port sits just under my skin and they insert a needle through my skin and put a few CC's of saline.  It's not painful by any means, just feels a little weird.  The strange part is when they pull the needle out - it feels like a suction cup being pulled off a wall.  So Bizarre.

Anyways, my food intake is down drastically and I'm feeling full longer.  I've cut out most snacks.  And I'm planning my meals better, to try to keep more protein in my diet to keep me full longer.  I have been working on this for the last 4 days or so and I'm down 4 pounds already.  This is very exciting, since I've been gaining a few pounds here and there for the last month or so (which was obviously VERY discouraging).  I'm back on track and working hard at losing.  With a wedding dress fitting just around the corner - it would be nice to drop a few extra pounds.

So, what have I learned in the last few months? Perseverance is very important when you want something, failure is inevitable, perfection is a far fetched idea, support is very important, and a desire for success trumps everything else.  With my lapband working the way it's supposed to, I know that I am able to do this and I have the help I've been waiting for.

Letter to Myself

**This is a letter to myself after 6 months of surgery - both to the past and present me.  It's a reminder to myself for the tough times. **

Dear Me,

You would be amazed at where you are 6 months after weight loss surgery.  I remember when you could barely bend over and tie your shoe without losing your breath.  How far you've come in such a short time!

When you started this journey back in August, you were sad and disappointed in yourself.  You wanted to feel differently about yourself and desired so much more out of life than what you had settled for.  Well, I have some good news.  You're getting what you want.  You're making better choices, you're working hard, and you're making a difference to yourself.  Most importantly, you don't feel so disgusted with yourself all the time.  Don't get me wrong, you still have moments where you are discouraged and you look in the mirror and see the girl who started this journey at 304 pounds, but they're fewer and farther between now.  You're slowly changing the way you view yourself and though it is a work in progress you've grown by leaps and bounds.

The new energy and zest for life you have is so refreshing!  You should keep trying to conquer all the things that your weight held you back from.  This process is slower than you want it to be, but it's super important to keep positive, the good things in life are worth waiting for.

There are weeks where you will fall "off the wagon" don't beat yourself up too much for those, just look at it as part of life.  No one can be perfect at all times.  Just get back on as soon as you can, and keep plugging away.  Don't lose site of what you're after and don't let the moments you fall into a rut to hold you back too long.

Don't assume you have to do this alone.  Depend on those around you-they're all so willing to help you.  Lean on them in moments of weakness, they want to encourage you.  Don't be too stubborn to ask for the help you need.  Keep your pride in check.

Always, always consider where you were and where you are going when you get upset.  It will help you keep perspective.

Keep on plugging away!

Lots of love!!
Me :)

Failures Make Success SOOOO Much Sweeter :)

I had a really rough month from the middle of April until about a week ago, I felt like I couldn't lose and I was hungry all the time.  I started lifting and "yogging" with a couch to 5k program and again still not losing.  Needless to say, I was starting to feel like a weight loss surgery failure.  Was all my hard work for naught?  Was I doing something wrong?  What could I do differently?  After a few more days spent frustrated, I decided to use the tools I had in front of me.  I called my nutritionist and she told me to stop eating the calories I earned from working out.  Well that has done the trick for me in the last 10 days.

To my complete and utter astonishment when I tried on my wedding dress this weekend- it fit!  Last month I had inches to go before the zipper would zip up. And this weekend it zipped up no problem!  Let me tell you, with the sense of failure I'd been carrying around with me it was like a 1,000 pound weight was lifted off my shoulders when I heard that zipper go up.  It was validation for me - I was doing things right.  My hard work is paying off in both inches and some pounds right now (I am still losing weight it's just much slower than before)!  

I won't lie the losing inches thing was a hard idea for my to come to terms with, but after fitting into my gown - I feel like I've got to appreciate this as a victory.  After a month of "failure" this "victory" just gave me a renewed sense of empowerment for the journey I've started.  Just like in every other aspect of life, you've got to take the good with the bad - otherwise, you can't appreciate the victories as they come in.  It was a great lesson to learn this week.  :)

When all else fails, reach out - there is a support system out there for you, no matter your situation. And never forget the failures teach you more about yourself then the successes do - who you are is determined by how you react to them.

6 Month Update

Monday was my 6 month marker.  I can't believe all the progress I've made in 6 months, both on the scale and off.  It's been quite the journey thus far.

I've had my ups and downs, far more ups than downs though-so that makes me happy.   Everyday, I wake up and I'm grateful for the lapband.  My knee hurts a little less, I have more energy, I've stopped snoring from the excess weight (so I get a better nights sleep and so does my fiancee!), I am no longer angry and depressed, and I am certain that things will keep getting better. My mindset has changed as much as my pant size has!

The biggest change is the way I view the gym.  I know that's sort of a weird thing to change, but in my situation it was the most important change I could make- in order to be successful.  I used to look at the gym as the lowest task on my priority list.  A way to torture myself.  Now, though I still torture myself, I welcome and embrace it and know it's good for me.  I feel as though it is making me a stronger and more determined person (not to mention changing the way I look and feel).  I've started my couch to 5k program, chosen a 5k to run in July, started lifting, and I'm doing ab exercises too!  These are things I never would have done before my lapband, I would have been too negative, too sure I would fail.  Somehow, I know that I can do it this time.  I know that I have the tool I need to lose the weight, but I also recognize that it takes effort on my part.

I knew that this journey would be in my control, but I will admit that a small part of me thought it would be easy.  I mean, who wouldn't?  Weight loss surgery - come on - the weight should fall off me, it says so in the name of the surgery!  Not so much.  I have to actively participate and make choices that are hard.  I have to fight the instincts that have developed over the years and re-wire my brain.  However, it gets easier with every choice I make.  And one day, it will be an unconscious decision.  The work and the choices are on me- I have finally accepted that.  With the acceptance of responsibility comes power over my past.

So in 6 months, I've dropped almost 70 pounds and countless inches, changed my thoughts on the gym, made better food choices, and more importantly feel better about myself than ever before.  I think that's some major progress :)  I'm excited for the next 6 months and the continued changes!
 

Support is so Important

I went late last week to have a band-fill and it has made all the difference in the world.  I'm eating less, though I still don't think I'm quite in the "green-zone" yet (the "green-zone" basically is when you're able to eat less and feel full for 4 hours).  I am feeling more positive which in turns rejuvenates my motivation and commitment to my band and my new lifestyle.  I've even been prepping to start a couch to 5k program  - next week! But, I digress.

While in my surgeon's office getting stuck in the stomach with a needle (the least fun part of this whole thing) - he asked me what my support system was.  And he was not talking about the people in my life - but rather those who have also had WLS and could relate to my experiences, both the positive and negative.  My hospital does run a support group, but since I live so far away it is really hard to get there.  Anyways, coincidentally I had just started to feel like I was "on my own" and a little lonely when I met a fabulous person at work that had also had WLS and I had also joined and online forum for lapband patients.  I was suddenly getting more support than I could have asked for!  It does make all the difference.  Having the ability to discuss everything from burping (a habit that has increased since surgery-grrrross) to speed at which I'm eating, makes me feel like I'm not alone and the advice I've received is irreplaceable.  I'm very lucky to have found both my colleague and the forum.  That's not to say that the people in my life are not a huge support system, because they are.  My love has been amazing, encouraging, and more supportive than I ever could have asked for.  My friends have been fantastic too!  I couldn't do it without a combination of everyone's support.

Thank you all!

That said, I've lost the few pounds I had gained when I was not following plan due to hunger.  I've also lost a few extra pounds.  I'm down a total of 67 pounds and my BMI is down from 42 when I started this journey to 35 - I'm no longer in the morbidly obese category, I'm just obese.  Which as strange as it sounds, makes me excited.  It actually shows the progress I'm making using a standardized chart. As an aside, I get to have my knee surgery once my BMI is 30 or under - so I'm VERY close!! All of this combined, makes me a happy happy chunky chick :)

Post Surgical Thoughts

I've never been good at consistency, so I'm having a hard time keeping up with my new eating habits.  Which is leaving me feeling a bit inadequate.  I know, I shouldn't.  It's only been 5 months since surgery and I've lost a significant amount of weight.  BUT I would have thought at this point, I wouldn't struggle so much with making positive food choices, eating slowly, portion sizes, going to the gym, and fighting off my prior bad habits.  I do struggle, every day is a struggle.  It's been harder lately than I thought it would be now that the "newness" has worn off.  The pounds don't fall off as easily and the hard work is beginning (it's even harder now that I need a band fill).  It's all a lot to process sometimes.

My 10cc band only has just a little over 1cc in it, so it makes the control aspect I'm looking for from it a little harder.  When the tool I chose has such a wide range for effectiveness it's just frustrating.  I know this band is a tool to be used for the positive.  I know that.  I guess I'm just going through some growing pains lately.  I will wrap my head around it, I'm sure and come out successful.  But I am struggling.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having the surgery.  I'm glad I did it.  I know it was the right decision.  I just wish that I could snap my fingers and my mind set would change and I could have the dedication and consistency that so many people I know have.  I'm not comparing, I'm just yearning for that gene :)  On the flip side, it's only been 5 months and I've been making poor food choices my whole life, it's not like it can change over night and it will be trial and error throughout the process.

I'll get through this, I'm almost halfway to my goal weight-I just have to remember that...

Non-Scale Victories

So many times I link my victories to the number on the scale and sometimes my self worth too.  However, in the last few weeks, I've had so many non-scale victories that I have to share them and remind myself that it's not all about the numbers.  Indulge me the moment of gloating :)

1. Earlier this month I fit in an airplane seat and with ease could buckle the seatbelt.
1. This is HUGE because this time last year I had to hold my breath and squeeze into the seat and the seatbelt.
2. My watch freely moves on my wrist.
1. This is a big deal because 6 months ago my watch was so tight I could no longer wear it.
3. I went shopping in my own closet
1. I had a bag of clothes that I no longer fit in (for the last year) and I finally am able to fit in them and some of them are even big!
4. I'm wearing an XL shirt today, rather than a 1X or 2X
1. That's what I had been wearing for months if not years
5. My engagement ring spins on my finger
1. It was a little snug when we got it a month ago
6. I *almost* fit in my wedding gown
1. We bought it 2 sizes smaller in December and I could barely zip it at all
7. My surgeon told me I was losing weight like a champ :)
8. The compliments on my changed appearance
1. I was called the incredible shrinking woman yesterday :)
2. I was complimented and told to wear more form fitting clothes and be proud of all I've accomplished today 

So, for those of you that think the scale is to live and die by - it's not.  There are so many other experiences that make this journey worthwhile.  Place value in the things that may be unimportant to others, but hold special meaning for yourself - in weight loss attempts and in life.  

I'm so proud of myself and what I've accomplished (on and off the scale) and the milestones I've hit.  

Thanks for the indulgence :)

I think I can...I think I can...

My shoes were so bad, I was getting shin splints and had to wait for my new ones to come in the mail -so, I fell off the wagon for a whole week.  I was like a hoover and felt like my band had no restrictions to it at all.  I know I need a band-fill, but this was a little over the top.  My appointment in March can't come fast enough!

I ate whatever I wanted, didn't go to the gym, and had a grand old time.  I only felt a little guilty that I put my body through a surgery and could so easily fall of the wagon.  Which is not good...HOWEVER, that said - as of yesterday I am back on with a vengeance.  I needed a reality check and when I stepped on the scale and hadn't lost a pound in more than a week (though thankfully I hadn't gained a pound either), I knew I wasn't doing myself or my band any justice.

After having been off the gym wagon for 5 days, it's really hard to shift my mentality back to working out.  Getting out of bed is harder and my motivation has dwindled.  I know after a few more days it will be the same as before, but damn is it hard to get going again.  BUT, I went to the gym yesterday and walked for 40 minutes and then did the dreaded weight lifting and was up and at 'em early this morning too.

I should probably embrace my struggle, since the harder I fight it the worse off I seem to be.  That or I am just meant to fight this battle every step of the way....at least I will appreciate it more when I get to the end of this journey.  :)

Plugging Away

Well, I'm plugging away on this weight loss journey.  I've hit a new weight loss low (I'm so excited), with the help of a couch to 5k plan (that I've modified to allow for A LOT more leeway at the beginning due to the knee injury).  I'm excited and feeling pretty good on the treadmill.  I'm up to 7 intervals of 1 minute of running/jogging with 2 minutes rest in between.  Sadly, I couldn't run this morning as planned, because shin splints are starting to develop.  Normal I think, given my size and my lack of activity for so long (and worn out sneakers).  BUT-I think I'm handling it in stride.

By in stride I mean, my inner motivation has peaks and valleys.  It's hard to keep up the "you can do it" mentality all the time, though I try.  Most days I'm successful-but like everyone else I have my off days.  This morning when my sneakers/legs/feet were failing me I was feeling a bit disheartened.  However, I bought new sneakers online after I left the gym and I can't wait to get them!  I will battle the defeatist attitude that sets in sometimes...and I will win. First step is keeping the endorphins flowing :)

Anyways, since I could not "yog" today, I lifted some weights.  First time in like a year-so it should be interesting when I try and lift my arms and legs to get out of bed tomorrow morning :).  Well it may not wait until the morning, as my arms are feeling a bit fatigued now. Oh boy!  It will be worth it, when the flab starts to dissipate and the muscles begin to pop out :)

One of my favorite quotes is "you save yourself or you remain unsaved" and I think it's really appropriate at this time in my life.  I'm saving myself from...myself.  My attitude, my eating, my laziness. No one can do it for me, I have to do it for myself.  And I know I will do it, though hard times are par for the course.  Each time I step on the scale (which if you're wondering I've cut back to 2 times a week), I get a reward and some reinforcement to keep up my hard work.  I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Struggling

So my pouch (as I fondly refer to my new tummy) has been yelling at me for the last week.  I've been falling back into bad habits-eating quickly, eating (slightly) more food, I even creeped a few peanut m&m's from my love and a mini ice cream sandwich (90 calories-but still not a good idea).  It's been pretty bad -- this past week especially.

I have been post-surgery two months and I've not had any issues with my pouch to stop these bad behaviors.  Some people throw up if they eat too fast--nope not me.  I'm just fine.  So, I'm struggling big time.  I still can't eat a lot of food, but I'm free to eat anything I want.  It makes me wish I had done the gastric bypass surgery -  I would have at least had some restrictions.  No sugar, no high fat or you'll get sick.  I don't have those limitations so it's all on me.  I feel a little overwhelmed by the responsibility of being "good" all the time.  But-I want this, so bad.  More than anything I've ever wanted, I just don't understand why I'm derailing my efforts.

I just wish I had more will power.  And things were a big easier...but I suppose if eating was easy for me I wouldn't have needed the surgery in the first place.  I know what I need to do and what I need to not do, it's just been so hard lately.  I wonder if I'm getting complacent now that I'm lighter and looking better than I have in years.  I certainly hope that sharing my failures with you, helps get me back on track...

I suppose I should share some positives with you too-since there are plenty.  I'm down 4 pant sizes.  I've lost a lot of inches, though I won't measure the inches lost until next month's 3 month marker.  I've started yogging (1 minute intervals) more consistently.  And I feel healthier.  Things are looking good otherwise :)

A Good Day :)

First-I'm sorry it's been so long!

Second-yesterday was an eventful day!  It was full of doctor appointments and my favorite day...weigh-in!

I stepped on the scale yesterday and I have officially lost 51 pounds! Over 20 pounds of lost weight since December 7 (surgery day).  It's amazing.  I feel and am starting to look like a whole new person!  Even more than the pound, I can feel the inches dropping off of me, which is just as good!  I am waiting until 2 months post surgery to do an "inches-in".  I'll keep you all posted :)

So the major catalyst for my having weight loss surgery was my knee.  My right knee has more than 50% cartiledge missing (on the inner part of the knee).  I'm in pain daily-so exercise is not a ton of fun for me-but I do it, because I need to.  A year ago the specialist basically told me they couldn't do anything for me unless I lost weight and my BMI was under 30--which seeing I started this journey with a BMI over 45 -- I felt hopeless.  So I started to look into my options and settled on lapband surgery.  Now that is done, it was time to check back in with the specialist.

I spent yesterday morning at the knee specialist and my hopes to run a 5K with Helen this summer are probably pushed back to next summer.  Which is ok. Since my BMI is down to 39 I only have 10 more points to go until I am eligible for restoration surgery :).  I go back in 6 months and they'll let me know if we can start the process.  I'm very excited that the pain may be going away soon!  And I can start to go back to the things I enjoy -- like hiking my pups! :)

My second doctors appointment was with my weight loss surgeon and I had my first band fill.  For those of you wondering what that means, I have a band around my stomach that restricts the amount of food that I can eat.  The band is adjustable.  To adjust it, I have what they call a port just under my skin, diagonally across from my belly button.  They put a needle through my skin (it felt like a shot) and into my port.  Then they pull the needle out and it creates a suction cup feeling right in my belly.  It was so weird!! I'm back to a liquid diet for the next few days, to make sure that everything passes through my band appropriately and they didn't add too much saline to the band.  But it's well worth it!

All in all, yesterday was full of great news for me.  I'm getting closer to options with my knee and I'm down 51 pounds.  What more could a girl ask for?

Obsession

I know I've been touting how great I feel and how emotionally I've changed--but I have to admit to you that I've developed a new bad habit.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be honest.  I've developed an obsession with the scale-it's kind of bad.  BUT my justification is I just had weight loss surgery-I need to see results to make the surgery worthwhile! Right?!?!  I know it is a little on the slim side for a justification (pun intended-ha), but it's all I've got.  I'll keep working on it. :)

I sort of live and breathe by the red numbers that pop up in the morning to tell me if I'm a good girl or bad girl.  I sort of feel like my success is tied to that--I know, not good. I've been trying to re-frame my thoughts and work on the obsession and I was great until I hit my small victory this week of being under 260 pounds.  Which subsequently led to me dancing a happy dance, in my unmentionables.  I started this journey at an embarrassing 304 - so the happy dance was certainly earned in my eyes.  The pure joy of being the lightest I've been in years was almost like opening a present.  And I felt like a success.  Which unfortunately makes me want to measure my success even more.

So this morning (against my better judgement-but I couldn't help myself ) I stepped on the scale to find I had gained a pound.   And man did my heart sink.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to how could that happen?!? I'm still under 260, but just barely now.  And now that successful feeling I had, has diminished a little.  And I know I'm crazy to feel that way.  I know in my head that my success is measured by so much more than the number on the scale--the fact that I can bend down and tie my shoes, that I can walk for 45-50 minutes on the treadmill at a good clip, that I don't have swollen feet anymore are all non-scale victories that I am so happy about.  And that I can't take for granted, because they're so great for me.  But, the scale is so real.  It's so important to this journey, I can't help but feel obligated to worship it.

So, what do I take away from this cathartic stream of consciousness?  First, that weighing myself daily or more than once a week is going to drive me crazy.  And that I know I need to not weight myself for at least a week right now.  So that I can try to gain control of the obsession I've developed.  Second, that the fears I have of being unsuccessful will eventually subside (I think)-especially when I get myself closer to my goal of yogging with Helen across some sort of finish line.  And finally that right now, with the ups and downs I'm putting myself through a very unreasonable emotional roller coaster.  So, in front of all of you, I swear I won't weigh myself for at least a week.  Ideally I think I should wait for my 7 week checkup on January 26--but I know I'm not *that* strong.

One Month Marker

Wow.  Saturday marked my 1 month since surgery.  And so much has changed...

I started this journey with no clue what I was embarking on.  I knew I would have a learning curve and things would be different, I even knew many of the things that would have to change.  I just didn't realize the work involved- or maybe I did and I ignored it-I haven't decided yet which it is (I lean towards the latter).  In case you're wondering what some of my education and routine entails: relearning how to chew and swallow beverages, crushing pills, taking supplements, suffering through low blood pressure and it's effects, and struggling to meet my daily caloric intake so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and hold on to my excess weight.  There was so much more than the pain of surgery that I just wasn't prepared for.  I knew about the responsibility that was about to fall on my shoulder, but I don't think I was fully cognizant of what was headed my way.

On a positive note, I've learned a lot about myself this past month.  I've learned that being vulnerable is ok and that support from my partner and my friends goes a very long way in keeping me on the right track.  I've learned that I can push my limits and survive and that carbohydrates are certainly a weakness of mine-one that I'm going to struggle with forever.  I've learned nothing stands in my way, but myself and my old habits.  And I've learned that happiness doesn't stem from how I look on the outside, it's who I am on the inside that matters most.  It took me 29 years to put up obstacles for myself mentally and physically and one month to start to take them down.  That to me is the best thing that's happened to me, though the 45 pounds I've dropped isn't too shabby either.

After starting this journey, I thought the hardest part would be the surgery.  It wasn't.  But everything is so worth it.  Every step I take away from the obstacles I had put up, takes me closer to my goal life.  I can't say goal weight, because it's not about the number on the scale, it's so much more than that.  It's the healthy lifestyle I want to lead, it's the physical challenges I want to be able to take on, it's the way I feel emotionally and physically, and it's about how I choose to live my life going forward.

This has been a wonderful month and I'm ready for those that follow to come.  :)

Happy New Year!

2011 has come to a close and I've had a few days to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and I find a peace has settled in that I've never had before.  The peace stems from  not setting unrealistic resolutions or putting pressure on myself.  I'm actually spending time thinking of the things I'm grateful for from 2011 and the goals that I WILL reach in 2012.

2011 brought me courage to follow through with a surgery that I knew would cause pain and difficulties for months.  It showed me the family and friends that love and support me unconditionally. It brought changes in my self confidence and self worth (as described in my last post). Those changes are probably even more important to me than the surgery that precipitated them.  I'm thankful for these things, they're what is setting 2012 up to be my best year yet (even though I turn the dirty 30--AHHH!).

I was playing on Facebook yesterday and a friend I've known for a long time had this posted "I hope your troubles last as long as your resolutions".  And I thought, huh, that's pretty accurate.  Most people set a resolution and by March they've forgotten it.  So, this year I've decided no resolutions.  If not for the reason in the quote stated above, certainly for my own lack of dedication and self control in the past. I will set goals instead.  I've written down goals for 2012 and unlike years prior--plan to keep them.  It's no one else's responsibility to ensure this happens but mine.

I wrote SMART goals- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely; so each goal has a few sentences.  They run the gamete from eating a whole food no preservatives or white flour diet to run or run/walk a 5K by the end of the summer. I will meet these goals.  I will make myself into the best version that I have been in a long time.  No excuses.  I'll just do it (thanks Nike).

2012 will be a year of change and growth for me -- physically, emotionally and mentally .  The way we're supposed to grow as people, as a whole.  I can't wait to see where I am this time next year.  I've got 364 days to make a difference...and I'm off...