First-I'm sorry it's been so long!
Second-yesterday was an eventful day! It was full of doctor appointments and my favorite day...weigh-in!
I stepped on the scale yesterday and I have officially lost 51 pounds! Over 20 pounds of lost weight since December 7 (surgery day). It's amazing. I feel and am starting to look like a whole new person! Even more than the pound, I can feel the inches dropping off of me, which is just as good! I am waiting until 2 months post surgery to do an "inches-in". I'll keep you all posted :)
So the major catalyst for my having weight loss surgery was my knee. My right knee has more than 50% cartiledge missing (on the inner part of the knee). I'm in pain daily-so exercise is not a ton of fun for me-but I do it, because I need to. A year ago the specialist basically told me they couldn't do anything for me unless I lost weight and my BMI was under 30--which seeing I started this journey with a BMI over 45 -- I felt hopeless. So I started to look into my options and settled on lapband surgery. Now that is done, it was time to check back in with the specialist.
I spent yesterday morning at the knee specialist and my hopes to run a 5K with Helen this summer are probably pushed back to next summer. Which is ok. Since my BMI is down to 39 I only have 10 more points to go until I am eligible for restoration surgery :). I go back in 6 months and they'll let me know if we can start the process. I'm very excited that the pain may be going away soon! And I can start to go back to the things I enjoy -- like hiking my pups! :)
My second doctors appointment was with my weight loss surgeon and I had my first band fill. For those of you wondering what that means, I have a band around my stomach that restricts the amount of food that I can eat. The band is adjustable. To adjust it, I have what they call a port just under my skin, diagonally across from my belly button. They put a needle through my skin (it felt like a shot) and into my port. Then they pull the needle out and it creates a suction cup feeling right in my belly. It was so weird!! I'm back to a liquid diet for the next few days, to make sure that everything passes through my band appropriately and they didn't add too much saline to the band. But it's well worth it!
All in all, yesterday was full of great news for me. I'm getting closer to options with my knee and I'm down 51 pounds. What more could a girl ask for?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Obsession
I know I've been touting how great I feel and how emotionally I've changed--but I have to admit to you that I've developed a new bad habit. Otherwise, I wouldn't be honest. I've developed an obsession with the scale-it's kind of bad. BUT my justification is I just had weight loss surgery-I need to see results to make the surgery worthwhile! Right?!?! I know it is a little on the slim side for a justification (pun intended-ha), but it's all I've got. I'll keep working on it. :)
I sort of live and breathe by the red numbers that pop up in the morning to tell me if I'm a good girl or bad girl. I sort of feel like my success is tied to that--I know, not good. I've been trying to re-frame my thoughts and work on the obsession and I was great until I hit my small victory this week of being under 260 pounds. Which subsequently led to me dancing a happy dance, in my unmentionables. I started this journey at an embarrassing 304 - so the happy dance was certainly earned in my eyes. The pure joy of being the lightest I've been in years was almost like opening a present. And I felt like a success. Which unfortunately makes me want to measure my success even more.
So this morning (against my better judgement-but I couldn't help myself ) I stepped on the scale to find I had gained a pound. And man did my heart sink. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to how could that happen?!? I'm still under 260, but just barely now. And now that successful feeling I had, has diminished a little. And I know I'm crazy to feel that way. I know in my head that my success is measured by so much more than the number on the scale--the fact that I can bend down and tie my shoes, that I can walk for 45-50 minutes on the treadmill at a good clip, that I don't have swollen feet anymore are all non-scale victories that I am so happy about. And that I can't take for granted, because they're so great for me. But, the scale is so real. It's so important to this journey, I can't help but feel obligated to worship it.
So, what do I take away from this cathartic stream of consciousness? First, that weighing myself daily or more than once a week is going to drive me crazy. And that I know I need to not weight myself for at least a week right now. So that I can try to gain control of the obsession I've developed. Second, that the fears I have of being unsuccessful will eventually subside (I think)-especially when I get myself closer to my goal of yogging with Helen across some sort of finish line. And finally that right now, with the ups and downs I'm putting myself through a very unreasonable emotional roller coaster. So, in front of all of you, I swear I won't weigh myself for at least a week. Ideally I think I should wait for my 7 week checkup on January 26--but I know I'm not *that* strong.
I sort of live and breathe by the red numbers that pop up in the morning to tell me if I'm a good girl or bad girl. I sort of feel like my success is tied to that--I know, not good. I've been trying to re-frame my thoughts and work on the obsession and I was great until I hit my small victory this week of being under 260 pounds. Which subsequently led to me dancing a happy dance, in my unmentionables. I started this journey at an embarrassing 304 - so the happy dance was certainly earned in my eyes. The pure joy of being the lightest I've been in years was almost like opening a present. And I felt like a success. Which unfortunately makes me want to measure my success even more.
So this morning (against my better judgement-but I couldn't help myself ) I stepped on the scale to find I had gained a pound. And man did my heart sink. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to how could that happen?!? I'm still under 260, but just barely now. And now that successful feeling I had, has diminished a little. And I know I'm crazy to feel that way. I know in my head that my success is measured by so much more than the number on the scale--the fact that I can bend down and tie my shoes, that I can walk for 45-50 minutes on the treadmill at a good clip, that I don't have swollen feet anymore are all non-scale victories that I am so happy about. And that I can't take for granted, because they're so great for me. But, the scale is so real. It's so important to this journey, I can't help but feel obligated to worship it.
So, what do I take away from this cathartic stream of consciousness? First, that weighing myself daily or more than once a week is going to drive me crazy. And that I know I need to not weight myself for at least a week right now. So that I can try to gain control of the obsession I've developed. Second, that the fears I have of being unsuccessful will eventually subside (I think)-especially when I get myself closer to my goal of yogging with Helen across some sort of finish line. And finally that right now, with the ups and downs I'm putting myself through a very unreasonable emotional roller coaster. So, in front of all of you, I swear I won't weigh myself for at least a week. Ideally I think I should wait for my 7 week checkup on January 26--but I know I'm not *that* strong.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
One Month Marker
Wow. Saturday marked my 1 month since surgery. And so much has changed...
I started this journey with no clue what I was embarking on. I knew I would have a learning curve and things would be different, I even knew many of the things that would have to change. I just didn't realize the work involved- or maybe I did and I ignored it-I haven't decided yet which it is (I lean towards the latter). In case you're wondering what some of my education and routine entails: relearning how to chew and swallow beverages, crushing pills, taking supplements, suffering through low blood pressure and it's effects, and struggling to meet my daily caloric intake so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and hold on to my excess weight. There was so much more than the pain of surgery that I just wasn't prepared for. I knew about the responsibility that was about to fall on my shoulder, but I don't think I was fully cognizant of what was headed my way.
On a positive note, I've learned a lot about myself this past month. I've learned that being vulnerable is ok and that support from my partner and my friends goes a very long way in keeping me on the right track. I've learned that I can push my limits and survive and that carbohydrates are certainly a weakness of mine-one that I'm going to struggle with forever. I've learned nothing stands in my way, but myself and my old habits. And I've learned that happiness doesn't stem from how I look on the outside, it's who I am on the inside that matters most. It took me 29 years to put up obstacles for myself mentally and physically and one month to start to take them down. That to me is the best thing that's happened to me, though the 45 pounds I've dropped isn't too shabby either.
After starting this journey, I thought the hardest part would be the surgery. It wasn't. But everything is so worth it. Every step I take away from the obstacles I had put up, takes me closer to my goal life. I can't say goal weight, because it's not about the number on the scale, it's so much more than that. It's the healthy lifestyle I want to lead, it's the physical challenges I want to be able to take on, it's the way I feel emotionally and physically, and it's about how I choose to live my life going forward.
This has been a wonderful month and I'm ready for those that follow to come. :)
I started this journey with no clue what I was embarking on. I knew I would have a learning curve and things would be different, I even knew many of the things that would have to change. I just didn't realize the work involved- or maybe I did and I ignored it-I haven't decided yet which it is (I lean towards the latter). In case you're wondering what some of my education and routine entails: relearning how to chew and swallow beverages, crushing pills, taking supplements, suffering through low blood pressure and it's effects, and struggling to meet my daily caloric intake so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and hold on to my excess weight. There was so much more than the pain of surgery that I just wasn't prepared for. I knew about the responsibility that was about to fall on my shoulder, but I don't think I was fully cognizant of what was headed my way.
On a positive note, I've learned a lot about myself this past month. I've learned that being vulnerable is ok and that support from my partner and my friends goes a very long way in keeping me on the right track. I've learned that I can push my limits and survive and that carbohydrates are certainly a weakness of mine-one that I'm going to struggle with forever. I've learned nothing stands in my way, but myself and my old habits. And I've learned that happiness doesn't stem from how I look on the outside, it's who I am on the inside that matters most. It took me 29 years to put up obstacles for myself mentally and physically and one month to start to take them down. That to me is the best thing that's happened to me, though the 45 pounds I've dropped isn't too shabby either.
After starting this journey, I thought the hardest part would be the surgery. It wasn't. But everything is so worth it. Every step I take away from the obstacles I had put up, takes me closer to my goal life. I can't say goal weight, because it's not about the number on the scale, it's so much more than that. It's the healthy lifestyle I want to lead, it's the physical challenges I want to be able to take on, it's the way I feel emotionally and physically, and it's about how I choose to live my life going forward.
This has been a wonderful month and I'm ready for those that follow to come. :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year!
2011 has come to a close and I've had a few days to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and I find a peace has settled in that I've never had before. The peace stems from not setting unrealistic resolutions or putting pressure on myself. I'm actually spending time thinking of the things I'm grateful for from 2011 and the goals that I WILL reach in 2012.
2011 brought me courage to follow through with a surgery that I knew would cause pain and difficulties for months. It showed me the family and friends that love and support me unconditionally. It brought changes in my self confidence and self worth (as described in my last post). Those changes are probably even more important to me than the surgery that precipitated them. I'm thankful for these things, they're what is setting 2012 up to be my best year yet (even though I turn the dirty 30--AHHH!).
I was playing on Facebook yesterday and a friend I've known for a long time had this posted "I hope your troubles last as long as your resolutions". And I thought, huh, that's pretty accurate. Most people set a resolution and by March they've forgotten it. So, this year I've decided no resolutions. If not for the reason in the quote stated above, certainly for my own lack of dedication and self control in the past. I will set goals instead. I've written down goals for 2012 and unlike years prior--plan to keep them. It's no one else's responsibility to ensure this happens but mine.
I wrote SMART goals- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely; so each goal has a few sentences. They run the gamete from eating a whole food no preservatives or white flour diet to run or run/walk a 5K by the end of the summer. I will meet these goals. I will make myself into the best version that I have been in a long time. No excuses. I'll just do it (thanks Nike).
2012 will be a year of change and growth for me -- physically, emotionally and mentally . The way we're supposed to grow as people, as a whole. I can't wait to see where I am this time next year. I've got 364 days to make a difference...and I'm off...
2011 brought me courage to follow through with a surgery that I knew would cause pain and difficulties for months. It showed me the family and friends that love and support me unconditionally. It brought changes in my self confidence and self worth (as described in my last post). Those changes are probably even more important to me than the surgery that precipitated them. I'm thankful for these things, they're what is setting 2012 up to be my best year yet (even though I turn the dirty 30--AHHH!).
I was playing on Facebook yesterday and a friend I've known for a long time had this posted "I hope your troubles last as long as your resolutions". And I thought, huh, that's pretty accurate. Most people set a resolution and by March they've forgotten it. So, this year I've decided no resolutions. If not for the reason in the quote stated above, certainly for my own lack of dedication and self control in the past. I will set goals instead. I've written down goals for 2012 and unlike years prior--plan to keep them. It's no one else's responsibility to ensure this happens but mine.
I wrote SMART goals- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely; so each goal has a few sentences. They run the gamete from eating a whole food no preservatives or white flour diet to run or run/walk a 5K by the end of the summer. I will meet these goals. I will make myself into the best version that I have been in a long time. No excuses. I'll just do it (thanks Nike).
2012 will be a year of change and growth for me -- physically, emotionally and mentally . The way we're supposed to grow as people, as a whole. I can't wait to see where I am this time next year. I've got 364 days to make a difference...and I'm off...
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