A Little Inspiration Goes a Long Way

While driving on the MassPike on my way to work everyday, I see a beautiful lone yellow flower.  The flower has grown on one of the grates on the side of the highway near the fast lane.  The flower is all alone, though I'm unsure of what it is, it is beautiful.  That flower has overcome so many obstacles:  it's all alone, it's on the highway growing in a grate, no one to nurture it, surviving on determination and shear willpower.  And every day it flourishes and looks more beautiful than the last.  

This flower brightens my day every morning.  It gives me inspiration and motivation when I have nothing left. It drives me to continue on this journey and lets me know that, like the flower, I can overcome any obstacle with determination and willpower.

To date I am down 74 pounds.  Most of which I lost due to willpower and ignoring hunger pains. There have been many moments that I have felt like giving up.  I have wanted to go back to my surgeon and tell him to take the band out and give me the bypass, because I am obviously no good at self control.  I've regretted my decision, I've been dark and unmotivated at times.  And I'm sure I will still have those moments, but they're now fewer and farther between.  Having finally reached my "green zone" with my band and given up most carbs (mainly because they get stuck), I feel like I can finally use my tool to it's fullest potential and be successful.  Currently, I am trying to focus on my protein intake and working out.  With my band working, I have reached a point where the obstacles on my journey don't discourage me - they inspire me to try harder.  I am finally living my life to the fullest and looking at this journey knowing I can do this.

Looking at that flower every morning and seeing it's beauty and the obstacles it has overcome, I am more motivated and inspired.  If this beautiful flower can live in such miserable circumstances and thrive - I can do anything too.  

Restriction...FINALLY :)

Well, it's so lovely to finally feel restriction :)  It makes such a difference in both weight loss and my feelings of success.

For those of you that have a big question mark over your head, here's the run down.  I have the lapband which is a purely restrictive procedure (a small band is placed around a portion of my stomach to create a new pouch), as opposed to the bypass which is both a mal-absorbtive (you don't absorb the food into your body the same way as pre-surgery) and a restrictive (your stomach is actually cut down in size).  With the band, you frequently check in with your surgeon to have saline put into your port (a small device placed just under the skin) to to change the restriction of the band.  Until you find your "sweet spot" or "green-zone" (which is restriction-smaller portion sizes and feeling full longer), you're basically doing it on sheer willpower.  With the lapband, you obviously cannot eat what you did pre-surgery due to the already small size of the pouch/stomach, but without restriction you can eat more than you're supposed to.

I'm sure you're wondering what they do to "fill me".  The port sits just under my skin and they insert a needle through my skin and put a few CC's of saline.  It's not painful by any means, just feels a little weird.  The strange part is when they pull the needle out - it feels like a suction cup being pulled off a wall.  So Bizarre.

Anyways, my food intake is down drastically and I'm feeling full longer.  I've cut out most snacks.  And I'm planning my meals better, to try to keep more protein in my diet to keep me full longer.  I have been working on this for the last 4 days or so and I'm down 4 pounds already.  This is very exciting, since I've been gaining a few pounds here and there for the last month or so (which was obviously VERY discouraging).  I'm back on track and working hard at losing.  With a wedding dress fitting just around the corner - it would be nice to drop a few extra pounds.

So, what have I learned in the last few months? Perseverance is very important when you want something, failure is inevitable, perfection is a far fetched idea, support is very important, and a desire for success trumps everything else.  With my lapband working the way it's supposed to, I know that I am able to do this and I have the help I've been waiting for.

Letter to Myself

**This is a letter to myself after 6 months of surgery - both to the past and present me.  It's a reminder to myself for the tough times. **

Dear Me,

You would be amazed at where you are 6 months after weight loss surgery.  I remember when you could barely bend over and tie your shoe without losing your breath.  How far you've come in such a short time!

When you started this journey back in August, you were sad and disappointed in yourself.  You wanted to feel differently about yourself and desired so much more out of life than what you had settled for.  Well, I have some good news.  You're getting what you want.  You're making better choices, you're working hard, and you're making a difference to yourself.  Most importantly, you don't feel so disgusted with yourself all the time.  Don't get me wrong, you still have moments where you are discouraged and you look in the mirror and see the girl who started this journey at 304 pounds, but they're fewer and farther between now.  You're slowly changing the way you view yourself and though it is a work in progress you've grown by leaps and bounds.

The new energy and zest for life you have is so refreshing!  You should keep trying to conquer all the things that your weight held you back from.  This process is slower than you want it to be, but it's super important to keep positive, the good things in life are worth waiting for.

There are weeks where you will fall "off the wagon" don't beat yourself up too much for those, just look at it as part of life.  No one can be perfect at all times.  Just get back on as soon as you can, and keep plugging away.  Don't lose site of what you're after and don't let the moments you fall into a rut to hold you back too long.

Don't assume you have to do this alone.  Depend on those around you-they're all so willing to help you.  Lean on them in moments of weakness, they want to encourage you.  Don't be too stubborn to ask for the help you need.  Keep your pride in check.

Always, always consider where you were and where you are going when you get upset.  It will help you keep perspective.

Keep on plugging away!

Lots of love!!
Me :)

Failures Make Success SOOOO Much Sweeter :)

I had a really rough month from the middle of April until about a week ago, I felt like I couldn't lose and I was hungry all the time.  I started lifting and "yogging" with a couch to 5k program and again still not losing.  Needless to say, I was starting to feel like a weight loss surgery failure.  Was all my hard work for naught?  Was I doing something wrong?  What could I do differently?  After a few more days spent frustrated, I decided to use the tools I had in front of me.  I called my nutritionist and she told me to stop eating the calories I earned from working out.  Well that has done the trick for me in the last 10 days.

To my complete and utter astonishment when I tried on my wedding dress this weekend- it fit!  Last month I had inches to go before the zipper would zip up. And this weekend it zipped up no problem!  Let me tell you, with the sense of failure I'd been carrying around with me it was like a 1,000 pound weight was lifted off my shoulders when I heard that zipper go up.  It was validation for me - I was doing things right.  My hard work is paying off in both inches and some pounds right now (I am still losing weight it's just much slower than before)!  

I won't lie the losing inches thing was a hard idea for my to come to terms with, but after fitting into my gown - I feel like I've got to appreciate this as a victory.  After a month of "failure" this "victory" just gave me a renewed sense of empowerment for the journey I've started.  Just like in every other aspect of life, you've got to take the good with the bad - otherwise, you can't appreciate the victories as they come in.  It was a great lesson to learn this week.  :)

When all else fails, reach out - there is a support system out there for you, no matter your situation. And never forget the failures teach you more about yourself then the successes do - who you are is determined by how you react to them.

6 Month Update

Monday was my 6 month marker.  I can't believe all the progress I've made in 6 months, both on the scale and off.  It's been quite the journey thus far.

I've had my ups and downs, far more ups than downs though-so that makes me happy.   Everyday, I wake up and I'm grateful for the lapband.  My knee hurts a little less, I have more energy, I've stopped snoring from the excess weight (so I get a better nights sleep and so does my fiancee!), I am no longer angry and depressed, and I am certain that things will keep getting better. My mindset has changed as much as my pant size has!

The biggest change is the way I view the gym.  I know that's sort of a weird thing to change, but in my situation it was the most important change I could make- in order to be successful.  I used to look at the gym as the lowest task on my priority list.  A way to torture myself.  Now, though I still torture myself, I welcome and embrace it and know it's good for me.  I feel as though it is making me a stronger and more determined person (not to mention changing the way I look and feel).  I've started my couch to 5k program, chosen a 5k to run in July, started lifting, and I'm doing ab exercises too!  These are things I never would have done before my lapband, I would have been too negative, too sure I would fail.  Somehow, I know that I can do it this time.  I know that I have the tool I need to lose the weight, but I also recognize that it takes effort on my part.

I knew that this journey would be in my control, but I will admit that a small part of me thought it would be easy.  I mean, who wouldn't?  Weight loss surgery - come on - the weight should fall off me, it says so in the name of the surgery!  Not so much.  I have to actively participate and make choices that are hard.  I have to fight the instincts that have developed over the years and re-wire my brain.  However, it gets easier with every choice I make.  And one day, it will be an unconscious decision.  The work and the choices are on me- I have finally accepted that.  With the acceptance of responsibility comes power over my past.

So in 6 months, I've dropped almost 70 pounds and countless inches, changed my thoughts on the gym, made better food choices, and more importantly feel better about myself than ever before.  I think that's some major progress :)  I'm excited for the next 6 months and the continued changes!
 

Support is so Important

I went late last week to have a band-fill and it has made all the difference in the world.  I'm eating less, though I still don't think I'm quite in the "green-zone" yet (the "green-zone" basically is when you're able to eat less and feel full for 4 hours).  I am feeling more positive which in turns rejuvenates my motivation and commitment to my band and my new lifestyle.  I've even been prepping to start a couch to 5k program  - next week! But, I digress.

While in my surgeon's office getting stuck in the stomach with a needle (the least fun part of this whole thing) - he asked me what my support system was.  And he was not talking about the people in my life - but rather those who have also had WLS and could relate to my experiences, both the positive and negative.  My hospital does run a support group, but since I live so far away it is really hard to get there.  Anyways, coincidentally I had just started to feel like I was "on my own" and a little lonely when I met a fabulous person at work that had also had WLS and I had also joined and online forum for lapband patients.  I was suddenly getting more support than I could have asked for!  It does make all the difference.  Having the ability to discuss everything from burping (a habit that has increased since surgery-grrrross) to speed at which I'm eating, makes me feel like I'm not alone and the advice I've received is irreplaceable.  I'm very lucky to have found both my colleague and the forum.  That's not to say that the people in my life are not a huge support system, because they are.  My love has been amazing, encouraging, and more supportive than I ever could have asked for.  My friends have been fantastic too!  I couldn't do it without a combination of everyone's support.

Thank you all!

That said, I've lost the few pounds I had gained when I was not following plan due to hunger.  I've also lost a few extra pounds.  I'm down a total of 67 pounds and my BMI is down from 42 when I started this journey to 35 - I'm no longer in the morbidly obese category, I'm just obese.  Which as strange as it sounds, makes me excited.  It actually shows the progress I'm making using a standardized chart. As an aside, I get to have my knee surgery once my BMI is 30 or under - so I'm VERY close!! All of this combined, makes me a happy happy chunky chick :)

Post Surgical Thoughts

I've never been good at consistency, so I'm having a hard time keeping up with my new eating habits.  Which is leaving me feeling a bit inadequate.  I know, I shouldn't.  It's only been 5 months since surgery and I've lost a significant amount of weight.  BUT I would have thought at this point, I wouldn't struggle so much with making positive food choices, eating slowly, portion sizes, going to the gym, and fighting off my prior bad habits.  I do struggle, every day is a struggle.  It's been harder lately than I thought it would be now that the "newness" has worn off.  The pounds don't fall off as easily and the hard work is beginning (it's even harder now that I need a band fill).  It's all a lot to process sometimes.

My 10cc band only has just a little over 1cc in it, so it makes the control aspect I'm looking for from it a little harder.  When the tool I chose has such a wide range for effectiveness it's just frustrating.  I know this band is a tool to be used for the positive.  I know that.  I guess I'm just going through some growing pains lately.  I will wrap my head around it, I'm sure and come out successful.  But I am struggling.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having the surgery.  I'm glad I did it.  I know it was the right decision.  I just wish that I could snap my fingers and my mind set would change and I could have the dedication and consistency that so many people I know have.  I'm not comparing, I'm just yearning for that gene :)  On the flip side, it's only been 5 months and I've been making poor food choices my whole life, it's not like it can change over night and it will be trial and error throughout the process.

I'll get through this, I'm almost halfway to my goal weight-I just have to remember that...