A Little Inspiration Goes a Long Way

While driving on the MassPike on my way to work everyday, I see a beautiful lone yellow flower.  The flower has grown on one of the grates on the side of the highway near the fast lane.  The flower is all alone, though I'm unsure of what it is, it is beautiful.  That flower has overcome so many obstacles:  it's all alone, it's on the highway growing in a grate, no one to nurture it, surviving on determination and shear willpower.  And every day it flourishes and looks more beautiful than the last.  

This flower brightens my day every morning.  It gives me inspiration and motivation when I have nothing left. It drives me to continue on this journey and lets me know that, like the flower, I can overcome any obstacle with determination and willpower.

To date I am down 74 pounds.  Most of which I lost due to willpower and ignoring hunger pains. There have been many moments that I have felt like giving up.  I have wanted to go back to my surgeon and tell him to take the band out and give me the bypass, because I am obviously no good at self control.  I've regretted my decision, I've been dark and unmotivated at times.  And I'm sure I will still have those moments, but they're now fewer and farther between.  Having finally reached my "green zone" with my band and given up most carbs (mainly because they get stuck), I feel like I can finally use my tool to it's fullest potential and be successful.  Currently, I am trying to focus on my protein intake and working out.  With my band working, I have reached a point where the obstacles on my journey don't discourage me - they inspire me to try harder.  I am finally living my life to the fullest and looking at this journey knowing I can do this.

Looking at that flower every morning and seeing it's beauty and the obstacles it has overcome, I am more motivated and inspired.  If this beautiful flower can live in such miserable circumstances and thrive - I can do anything too.  

Failures Make Success SOOOO Much Sweeter :)

I had a really rough month from the middle of April until about a week ago, I felt like I couldn't lose and I was hungry all the time.  I started lifting and "yogging" with a couch to 5k program and again still not losing.  Needless to say, I was starting to feel like a weight loss surgery failure.  Was all my hard work for naught?  Was I doing something wrong?  What could I do differently?  After a few more days spent frustrated, I decided to use the tools I had in front of me.  I called my nutritionist and she told me to stop eating the calories I earned from working out.  Well that has done the trick for me in the last 10 days.

To my complete and utter astonishment when I tried on my wedding dress this weekend- it fit!  Last month I had inches to go before the zipper would zip up. And this weekend it zipped up no problem!  Let me tell you, with the sense of failure I'd been carrying around with me it was like a 1,000 pound weight was lifted off my shoulders when I heard that zipper go up.  It was validation for me - I was doing things right.  My hard work is paying off in both inches and some pounds right now (I am still losing weight it's just much slower than before)!  

I won't lie the losing inches thing was a hard idea for my to come to terms with, but after fitting into my gown - I feel like I've got to appreciate this as a victory.  After a month of "failure" this "victory" just gave me a renewed sense of empowerment for the journey I've started.  Just like in every other aspect of life, you've got to take the good with the bad - otherwise, you can't appreciate the victories as they come in.  It was a great lesson to learn this week.  :)

When all else fails, reach out - there is a support system out there for you, no matter your situation. And never forget the failures teach you more about yourself then the successes do - who you are is determined by how you react to them.

Support is so Important

I went late last week to have a band-fill and it has made all the difference in the world.  I'm eating less, though I still don't think I'm quite in the "green-zone" yet (the "green-zone" basically is when you're able to eat less and feel full for 4 hours).  I am feeling more positive which in turns rejuvenates my motivation and commitment to my band and my new lifestyle.  I've even been prepping to start a couch to 5k program  - next week! But, I digress.

While in my surgeon's office getting stuck in the stomach with a needle (the least fun part of this whole thing) - he asked me what my support system was.  And he was not talking about the people in my life - but rather those who have also had WLS and could relate to my experiences, both the positive and negative.  My hospital does run a support group, but since I live so far away it is really hard to get there.  Anyways, coincidentally I had just started to feel like I was "on my own" and a little lonely when I met a fabulous person at work that had also had WLS and I had also joined and online forum for lapband patients.  I was suddenly getting more support than I could have asked for!  It does make all the difference.  Having the ability to discuss everything from burping (a habit that has increased since surgery-grrrross) to speed at which I'm eating, makes me feel like I'm not alone and the advice I've received is irreplaceable.  I'm very lucky to have found both my colleague and the forum.  That's not to say that the people in my life are not a huge support system, because they are.  My love has been amazing, encouraging, and more supportive than I ever could have asked for.  My friends have been fantastic too!  I couldn't do it without a combination of everyone's support.

Thank you all!

That said, I've lost the few pounds I had gained when I was not following plan due to hunger.  I've also lost a few extra pounds.  I'm down a total of 67 pounds and my BMI is down from 42 when I started this journey to 35 - I'm no longer in the morbidly obese category, I'm just obese.  Which as strange as it sounds, makes me excited.  It actually shows the progress I'm making using a standardized chart. As an aside, I get to have my knee surgery once my BMI is 30 or under - so I'm VERY close!! All of this combined, makes me a happy happy chunky chick :)

Non-Scale Victories

So many times I link my victories to the number on the scale and sometimes my self worth too.  However, in the last few weeks, I've had so many non-scale victories that I have to share them and remind myself that it's not all about the numbers.  Indulge me the moment of gloating :)

1. Earlier this month I fit in an airplane seat and with ease could buckle the seatbelt.
1. This is HUGE because this time last year I had to hold my breath and squeeze into the seat and the seatbelt.
2. My watch freely moves on my wrist.
1. This is a big deal because 6 months ago my watch was so tight I could no longer wear it.
3. I went shopping in my own closet
1. I had a bag of clothes that I no longer fit in (for the last year) and I finally am able to fit in them and some of them are even big!
4. I'm wearing an XL shirt today, rather than a 1X or 2X
1. That's what I had been wearing for months if not years
5. My engagement ring spins on my finger
1. It was a little snug when we got it a month ago
6. I *almost* fit in my wedding gown
1. We bought it 2 sizes smaller in December and I could barely zip it at all
7. My surgeon told me I was losing weight like a champ :)
8. The compliments on my changed appearance
1. I was called the incredible shrinking woman yesterday :)
2. I was complimented and told to wear more form fitting clothes and be proud of all I've accomplished today 

So, for those of you that think the scale is to live and die by - it's not.  There are so many other experiences that make this journey worthwhile.  Place value in the things that may be unimportant to others, but hold special meaning for yourself - in weight loss attempts and in life.  

I'm so proud of myself and what I've accomplished (on and off the scale) and the milestones I've hit.  

Thanks for the indulgence :)

I think I can...I think I can...

My shoes were so bad, I was getting shin splints and had to wait for my new ones to come in the mail -so, I fell off the wagon for a whole week.  I was like a hoover and felt like my band had no restrictions to it at all.  I know I need a band-fill, but this was a little over the top.  My appointment in March can't come fast enough!

I ate whatever I wanted, didn't go to the gym, and had a grand old time.  I only felt a little guilty that I put my body through a surgery and could so easily fall of the wagon.  Which is not good...HOWEVER, that said - as of yesterday I am back on with a vengeance.  I needed a reality check and when I stepped on the scale and hadn't lost a pound in more than a week (though thankfully I hadn't gained a pound either), I knew I wasn't doing myself or my band any justice.

After having been off the gym wagon for 5 days, it's really hard to shift my mentality back to working out.  Getting out of bed is harder and my motivation has dwindled.  I know after a few more days it will be the same as before, but damn is it hard to get going again.  BUT, I went to the gym yesterday and walked for 40 minutes and then did the dreaded weight lifting and was up and at 'em early this morning too.

I should probably embrace my struggle, since the harder I fight it the worse off I seem to be.  That or I am just meant to fight this battle every step of the way....at least I will appreciate it more when I get to the end of this journey.  :)

Plugging Away

Well, I'm plugging away on this weight loss journey.  I've hit a new weight loss low (I'm so excited), with the help of a couch to 5k plan (that I've modified to allow for A LOT more leeway at the beginning due to the knee injury).  I'm excited and feeling pretty good on the treadmill.  I'm up to 7 intervals of 1 minute of running/jogging with 2 minutes rest in between.  Sadly, I couldn't run this morning as planned, because shin splints are starting to develop.  Normal I think, given my size and my lack of activity for so long (and worn out sneakers).  BUT-I think I'm handling it in stride.

By in stride I mean, my inner motivation has peaks and valleys.  It's hard to keep up the "you can do it" mentality all the time, though I try.  Most days I'm successful-but like everyone else I have my off days.  This morning when my sneakers/legs/feet were failing me I was feeling a bit disheartened.  However, I bought new sneakers online after I left the gym and I can't wait to get them!  I will battle the defeatist attitude that sets in sometimes...and I will win. First step is keeping the endorphins flowing :)

Anyways, since I could not "yog" today, I lifted some weights.  First time in like a year-so it should be interesting when I try and lift my arms and legs to get out of bed tomorrow morning :).  Well it may not wait until the morning, as my arms are feeling a bit fatigued now. Oh boy!  It will be worth it, when the flab starts to dissipate and the muscles begin to pop out :)

One of my favorite quotes is "you save yourself or you remain unsaved" and I think it's really appropriate at this time in my life.  I'm saving myself from...myself.  My attitude, my eating, my laziness. No one can do it for me, I have to do it for myself.  And I know I will do it, though hard times are par for the course.  Each time I step on the scale (which if you're wondering I've cut back to 2 times a week), I get a reward and some reinforcement to keep up my hard work.  I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Struggling

So my pouch (as I fondly refer to my new tummy) has been yelling at me for the last week.  I've been falling back into bad habits-eating quickly, eating (slightly) more food, I even creeped a few peanut m&m's from my love and a mini ice cream sandwich (90 calories-but still not a good idea).  It's been pretty bad -- this past week especially.

I have been post-surgery two months and I've not had any issues with my pouch to stop these bad behaviors.  Some people throw up if they eat too fast--nope not me.  I'm just fine.  So, I'm struggling big time.  I still can't eat a lot of food, but I'm free to eat anything I want.  It makes me wish I had done the gastric bypass surgery -  I would have at least had some restrictions.  No sugar, no high fat or you'll get sick.  I don't have those limitations so it's all on me.  I feel a little overwhelmed by the responsibility of being "good" all the time.  But-I want this, so bad.  More than anything I've ever wanted, I just don't understand why I'm derailing my efforts.

I just wish I had more will power.  And things were a big easier...but I suppose if eating was easy for me I wouldn't have needed the surgery in the first place.  I know what I need to do and what I need to not do, it's just been so hard lately.  I wonder if I'm getting complacent now that I'm lighter and looking better than I have in years.  I certainly hope that sharing my failures with you, helps get me back on track...

I suppose I should share some positives with you too-since there are plenty.  I'm down 4 pant sizes.  I've lost a lot of inches, though I won't measure the inches lost until next month's 3 month marker.  I've started yogging (1 minute intervals) more consistently.  And I feel healthier.  Things are looking good otherwise :)

Obsession

I know I've been touting how great I feel and how emotionally I've changed--but I have to admit to you that I've developed a new bad habit.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be honest.  I've developed an obsession with the scale-it's kind of bad.  BUT my justification is I just had weight loss surgery-I need to see results to make the surgery worthwhile! Right?!?!  I know it is a little on the slim side for a justification (pun intended-ha), but it's all I've got.  I'll keep working on it. :)

I sort of live and breathe by the red numbers that pop up in the morning to tell me if I'm a good girl or bad girl.  I sort of feel like my success is tied to that--I know, not good. I've been trying to re-frame my thoughts and work on the obsession and I was great until I hit my small victory this week of being under 260 pounds.  Which subsequently led to me dancing a happy dance, in my unmentionables.  I started this journey at an embarrassing 304 - so the happy dance was certainly earned in my eyes.  The pure joy of being the lightest I've been in years was almost like opening a present.  And I felt like a success.  Which unfortunately makes me want to measure my success even more.

So this morning (against my better judgement-but I couldn't help myself ) I stepped on the scale to find I had gained a pound.   And man did my heart sink.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to how could that happen?!? I'm still under 260, but just barely now.  And now that successful feeling I had, has diminished a little.  And I know I'm crazy to feel that way.  I know in my head that my success is measured by so much more than the number on the scale--the fact that I can bend down and tie my shoes, that I can walk for 45-50 minutes on the treadmill at a good clip, that I don't have swollen feet anymore are all non-scale victories that I am so happy about.  And that I can't take for granted, because they're so great for me.  But, the scale is so real.  It's so important to this journey, I can't help but feel obligated to worship it.

So, what do I take away from this cathartic stream of consciousness?  First, that weighing myself daily or more than once a week is going to drive me crazy.  And that I know I need to not weight myself for at least a week right now.  So that I can try to gain control of the obsession I've developed.  Second, that the fears I have of being unsuccessful will eventually subside (I think)-especially when I get myself closer to my goal of yogging with Helen across some sort of finish line.  And finally that right now, with the ups and downs I'm putting myself through a very unreasonable emotional roller coaster.  So, in front of all of you, I swear I won't weigh myself for at least a week.  Ideally I think I should wait for my 7 week checkup on January 26--but I know I'm not *that* strong.

One Month Marker

Wow.  Saturday marked my 1 month since surgery.  And so much has changed...

I started this journey with no clue what I was embarking on.  I knew I would have a learning curve and things would be different, I even knew many of the things that would have to change.  I just didn't realize the work involved- or maybe I did and I ignored it-I haven't decided yet which it is (I lean towards the latter).  In case you're wondering what some of my education and routine entails: relearning how to chew and swallow beverages, crushing pills, taking supplements, suffering through low blood pressure and it's effects, and struggling to meet my daily caloric intake so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and hold on to my excess weight.  There was so much more than the pain of surgery that I just wasn't prepared for.  I knew about the responsibility that was about to fall on my shoulder, but I don't think I was fully cognizant of what was headed my way.

On a positive note, I've learned a lot about myself this past month.  I've learned that being vulnerable is ok and that support from my partner and my friends goes a very long way in keeping me on the right track.  I've learned that I can push my limits and survive and that carbohydrates are certainly a weakness of mine-one that I'm going to struggle with forever.  I've learned nothing stands in my way, but myself and my old habits.  And I've learned that happiness doesn't stem from how I look on the outside, it's who I am on the inside that matters most.  It took me 29 years to put up obstacles for myself mentally and physically and one month to start to take them down.  That to me is the best thing that's happened to me, though the 45 pounds I've dropped isn't too shabby either.

After starting this journey, I thought the hardest part would be the surgery.  It wasn't.  But everything is so worth it.  Every step I take away from the obstacles I had put up, takes me closer to my goal life.  I can't say goal weight, because it's not about the number on the scale, it's so much more than that.  It's the healthy lifestyle I want to lead, it's the physical challenges I want to be able to take on, it's the way I feel emotionally and physically, and it's about how I choose to live my life going forward.

This has been a wonderful month and I'm ready for those that follow to come.  :)

Happy New Year!

2011 has come to a close and I've had a few days to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and I find a peace has settled in that I've never had before.  The peace stems from  not setting unrealistic resolutions or putting pressure on myself.  I'm actually spending time thinking of the things I'm grateful for from 2011 and the goals that I WILL reach in 2012.

2011 brought me courage to follow through with a surgery that I knew would cause pain and difficulties for months.  It showed me the family and friends that love and support me unconditionally. It brought changes in my self confidence and self worth (as described in my last post). Those changes are probably even more important to me than the surgery that precipitated them.  I'm thankful for these things, they're what is setting 2012 up to be my best year yet (even though I turn the dirty 30--AHHH!).

I was playing on Facebook yesterday and a friend I've known for a long time had this posted "I hope your troubles last as long as your resolutions".  And I thought, huh, that's pretty accurate.  Most people set a resolution and by March they've forgotten it.  So, this year I've decided no resolutions.  If not for the reason in the quote stated above, certainly for my own lack of dedication and self control in the past. I will set goals instead.  I've written down goals for 2012 and unlike years prior--plan to keep them.  It's no one else's responsibility to ensure this happens but mine.

I wrote SMART goals- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely; so each goal has a few sentences.  They run the gamete from eating a whole food no preservatives or white flour diet to run or run/walk a 5K by the end of the summer. I will meet these goals.  I will make myself into the best version that I have been in a long time.  No excuses.  I'll just do it (thanks Nike).

2012 will be a year of change and growth for me -- physically, emotionally and mentally .  The way we're supposed to grow as people, as a whole.  I can't wait to see where I am this time next year.  I've got 364 days to make a difference...and I'm off...

Judgement Days are Over

Wow.  This surgery has changed me so much in 3 weeks...I feel like a new person.  It's like an out of body experience I hope never ends.

The fears that crippled me and held me back from everything, seem to be subsiding.  The paranoia that everyone is staring at and judging me, because I'm so big has all but dissipated. Fear of failure is disappearing.  The bar that I held so high (I now think was to subconsciously hold myself back), has lowered slightly to a more realistic and attainable place.  These feelings have been replaced with a new zest for life and feeling as though trying new things is how life should be lived.  It's amazingly freeing.

I keep asking myself why I held myself back so much, why I thought it was so important to do things perfectly? Why it was so important to do things as a thin person and not as who I am?  Why I thought people were constantly judging me for my size, rather than seeing me for who I am?  Since we are our own worst critic, the conclusion I came to is since I allowed myself to get so much bigger than I had ever been before, I was judging myself for not being the person society convinced me I should be.  I had played such mind games on myself that I was an insecure mess.  I will never allow myself to do that again.

The mind games and insecurities I'm writing about, bring back a recent memory.  A few weeks ago, I was speaking with a friend and the fact that her daughter has so much self confidence and zest for life came up and how society tends to take that away from  girls as they age.  My friend said she hoped that as her daughter grows she will maintain that attitude and not allow the outside world to influence her and that she'll continue to see the beauty and capabilities within herself.  These words and ideas keep popping back into my head these last few days and are resonating with the "new" mentality I seem to be developing.  I have beauty within that is worth valuing and holding myself back doesn't honor that.  I hope that weight loss surgery recipient or not, you can see that for yourself too.

I realize I will never be supermodel thin, I will never be a marathoner (or sprinter for that matter); but I will be me and for the first time in my life, I'm happy with that.

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

One of the routes I took to take off weight before the LapBand was a large weight loss surgery brand name system, while sitting in one of the meetings the leader-whom I loved- said one of the most prolific things I had heard in a long time "nothing changes if nothing changes".  She hit me with that, like a ton of bricks.  I felt as though she was speaking directly to me and not an entire room of women struggling with weight issues.  I use it not just as a mantra for my weight loss, but for my life.  If I'm unhappy with where I'm at somewhere in my life, I've got to make a change-otherwise I'll eat my weight in rice being unhappy.

One of the changes I've incorporated into my life is working out.  I can't sit back on my haunches and wait for my little tummy to make me lose weight,I'd get nowhere.  I've got to take control and actively participate in my weight loss. Yesterday, I took my first Zumba class (and boy do I feel it today).  It's a huge milestone for me.  Not only did I take a group fitness class, but I did it without anyone with me.  My weight held me back so much that I wouldn't try anything new without someone doing it with me, I felt as though people were staring at the biggest girl in the room and that girl was always me.  So going to that class was a huge step and going alone was an even bigger step. And I couldn't be happier.

Happiness with myself has been such a foreign concept to me, that I feel like a lead blanket has been lifted off of my life.  Sadly, it was a blanket I didn't even know existed.  I lived in the viscous circle of fat--I'm unhappy that I'm chunky and unhappiness always led me to eat--which is why I've made the largest change I could make in my life--I made my stomach the size of a medium sized egg.  In taking back my stomach, I took back my life.

Something changed because something changed.

2 Week Check Up

Sorry it's been so long, since I last posted--the holiday season has been crazy!  Today happens to be Christmas Day--Merry Christmas to those who practice.

I had my two week check up just a few days ago.  Everything went well!  Thank goodness!  I happened to run into a gentleman that had weight loss surgery a few days before me, he had Gastric Bypass versus my Lapband.  He looked fabulous!  One of the differences between the two surgeries is the rapid weight loss associated with the bypass surgery as opposed to the slower slightly more natural weight loss associated with the lapband. My friend lost 14 pounds over the course of one weekend!!  Seeing him was wonderful.  It was really nice to sit and talk with someone taking this journey with me.  He experienced many if not all of the same issues I have.  He missed chewing.  He was having a hard time getting his pills down in the new crushed form that we're forced to use.  He didn't however, suffer the feeling that everything shifted up whenever he bends over like I do - for those of you wondering it's one of the only times that I can actually feel the band around my stomach (the surgeon later said this was normal).  My friend had lots of good advice and happy positive thoughts.  We both agreed this was a great life-changing decision and well worth the most difficult month of my life.

Anyways, back to the check up appointment. They took off my steri-strips and my incision sites looked great.   And more importantly, I was FINALLY moved up to the next stage in the food diet-the fourth stage.

For those of you unaware, there are 5 stages in the Weight Loss Surgery Food Diet.  The first is just water (given in 2 tsp amounts and drunk over an hour time frame).  The second is clear liquids (given the same as above).  The third is where I have been for the last 2 weeks, smooth foods.  Smooth foods consist of protein shakes, soups, and anything pureed.  For an Italian this is a pretty bland diet and very hard!  The fourth stage is actual food again...YAY!...I get to eat 1-3oz moist pieces of meat, steamed (to mushy) vegetables, mashed potatoes.  The best part is I get to chew again!  The fifth and final stage is normal foods, which includes raw vegetables--this is where I'll be for the rest of my life.  I never thought I would crave a salad, but I do!  And I can't wait until I get to stage 5 and I can have salad again! 5 more weeks to wait!

Weight loss update:  I've lost 40 pounds since the end of September and 14 pounds since my surgery.

 

Introduction to my Journey

Hi All!

This is the story of the beginning of my weight loss surgery journey...

On December 7 at 8am I walked through the doors of the hospital and left my "old life" behind.   It was the scariest moment of my life.  Everything I have ever known was no more.  The years of overeating, living to eat rather than eating to live, and yo-yo dieting were over.

Leading up to this moment were years of attempts at weight loss.  Several large "brand" weight loss programs, that would work but the weight would always slowly creep back up, diet and exercise on my own, and numerous fad diets that left me feeling like I could eat a small child.  Making the decision to take charge of my life really made all the difference in the way I felt about myself.  I felt that I was finally in charge of my life again.

After vascillating back and forth between the two procedures my insurance would cover (Bypass and LapBand), I decided Lapband surgery was right for me.  As I was told over and over again, it is a super personal decision and no one can guide you one way or the other.  In my case, I had no co-morbidities (ie-diabetes, high blood pressure) that made a quick weight loss necessary paired with the more invasive procedure that bypass is-led me to believe that LapBand was right for me.

I'm very happy with my choice and feel as though I've made the right decision, especially since my results have been so positive.  To give you an idea of how this is going, since my surgery 12 days ago, I've lost over 10 pounds and in total I've lost 36.5 pounds since this journey began in late September.  YAY!! :)

That's it for now, I will chat again soon!