Non-Scale Victories

So many times I link my victories to the number on the scale and sometimes my self worth too.  However, in the last few weeks, I've had so many non-scale victories that I have to share them and remind myself that it's not all about the numbers.  Indulge me the moment of gloating :)

1. Earlier this month I fit in an airplane seat and with ease could buckle the seatbelt.
1. This is HUGE because this time last year I had to hold my breath and squeeze into the seat and the seatbelt.
2. My watch freely moves on my wrist.
1. This is a big deal because 6 months ago my watch was so tight I could no longer wear it.
3. I went shopping in my own closet
1. I had a bag of clothes that I no longer fit in (for the last year) and I finally am able to fit in them and some of them are even big!
4. I'm wearing an XL shirt today, rather than a 1X or 2X
1. That's what I had been wearing for months if not years
5. My engagement ring spins on my finger
1. It was a little snug when we got it a month ago
6. I *almost* fit in my wedding gown
1. We bought it 2 sizes smaller in December and I could barely zip it at all
7. My surgeon told me I was losing weight like a champ :)
8. The compliments on my changed appearance
1. I was called the incredible shrinking woman yesterday :)
2. I was complimented and told to wear more form fitting clothes and be proud of all I've accomplished today 

So, for those of you that think the scale is to live and die by - it's not.  There are so many other experiences that make this journey worthwhile.  Place value in the things that may be unimportant to others, but hold special meaning for yourself - in weight loss attempts and in life.  

I'm so proud of myself and what I've accomplished (on and off the scale) and the milestones I've hit.  

Thanks for the indulgence :)

I think I can...I think I can...

My shoes were so bad, I was getting shin splints and had to wait for my new ones to come in the mail -so, I fell off the wagon for a whole week.  I was like a hoover and felt like my band had no restrictions to it at all.  I know I need a band-fill, but this was a little over the top.  My appointment in March can't come fast enough!

I ate whatever I wanted, didn't go to the gym, and had a grand old time.  I only felt a little guilty that I put my body through a surgery and could so easily fall of the wagon.  Which is not good...HOWEVER, that said - as of yesterday I am back on with a vengeance.  I needed a reality check and when I stepped on the scale and hadn't lost a pound in more than a week (though thankfully I hadn't gained a pound either), I knew I wasn't doing myself or my band any justice.

After having been off the gym wagon for 5 days, it's really hard to shift my mentality back to working out.  Getting out of bed is harder and my motivation has dwindled.  I know after a few more days it will be the same as before, but damn is it hard to get going again.  BUT, I went to the gym yesterday and walked for 40 minutes and then did the dreaded weight lifting and was up and at 'em early this morning too.

I should probably embrace my struggle, since the harder I fight it the worse off I seem to be.  That or I am just meant to fight this battle every step of the way....at least I will appreciate it more when I get to the end of this journey.  :)

Plugging Away

Well, I'm plugging away on this weight loss journey.  I've hit a new weight loss low (I'm so excited), with the help of a couch to 5k plan (that I've modified to allow for A LOT more leeway at the beginning due to the knee injury).  I'm excited and feeling pretty good on the treadmill.  I'm up to 7 intervals of 1 minute of running/jogging with 2 minutes rest in between.  Sadly, I couldn't run this morning as planned, because shin splints are starting to develop.  Normal I think, given my size and my lack of activity for so long (and worn out sneakers).  BUT-I think I'm handling it in stride.

By in stride I mean, my inner motivation has peaks and valleys.  It's hard to keep up the "you can do it" mentality all the time, though I try.  Most days I'm successful-but like everyone else I have my off days.  This morning when my sneakers/legs/feet were failing me I was feeling a bit disheartened.  However, I bought new sneakers online after I left the gym and I can't wait to get them!  I will battle the defeatist attitude that sets in sometimes...and I will win. First step is keeping the endorphins flowing :)

Anyways, since I could not "yog" today, I lifted some weights.  First time in like a year-so it should be interesting when I try and lift my arms and legs to get out of bed tomorrow morning :).  Well it may not wait until the morning, as my arms are feeling a bit fatigued now. Oh boy!  It will be worth it, when the flab starts to dissipate and the muscles begin to pop out :)

One of my favorite quotes is "you save yourself or you remain unsaved" and I think it's really appropriate at this time in my life.  I'm saving myself from...myself.  My attitude, my eating, my laziness. No one can do it for me, I have to do it for myself.  And I know I will do it, though hard times are par for the course.  Each time I step on the scale (which if you're wondering I've cut back to 2 times a week), I get a reward and some reinforcement to keep up my hard work.  I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Struggling

So my pouch (as I fondly refer to my new tummy) has been yelling at me for the last week.  I've been falling back into bad habits-eating quickly, eating (slightly) more food, I even creeped a few peanut m&m's from my love and a mini ice cream sandwich (90 calories-but still not a good idea).  It's been pretty bad -- this past week especially.

I have been post-surgery two months and I've not had any issues with my pouch to stop these bad behaviors.  Some people throw up if they eat too fast--nope not me.  I'm just fine.  So, I'm struggling big time.  I still can't eat a lot of food, but I'm free to eat anything I want.  It makes me wish I had done the gastric bypass surgery -  I would have at least had some restrictions.  No sugar, no high fat or you'll get sick.  I don't have those limitations so it's all on me.  I feel a little overwhelmed by the responsibility of being "good" all the time.  But-I want this, so bad.  More than anything I've ever wanted, I just don't understand why I'm derailing my efforts.

I just wish I had more will power.  And things were a big easier...but I suppose if eating was easy for me I wouldn't have needed the surgery in the first place.  I know what I need to do and what I need to not do, it's just been so hard lately.  I wonder if I'm getting complacent now that I'm lighter and looking better than I have in years.  I certainly hope that sharing my failures with you, helps get me back on track...

I suppose I should share some positives with you too-since there are plenty.  I'm down 4 pant sizes.  I've lost a lot of inches, though I won't measure the inches lost until next month's 3 month marker.  I've started yogging (1 minute intervals) more consistently.  And I feel healthier.  Things are looking good otherwise :)

A Good Day :)

First-I'm sorry it's been so long!

Second-yesterday was an eventful day!  It was full of doctor appointments and my favorite day...weigh-in!

I stepped on the scale yesterday and I have officially lost 51 pounds! Over 20 pounds of lost weight since December 7 (surgery day).  It's amazing.  I feel and am starting to look like a whole new person!  Even more than the pound, I can feel the inches dropping off of me, which is just as good!  I am waiting until 2 months post surgery to do an "inches-in".  I'll keep you all posted :)

So the major catalyst for my having weight loss surgery was my knee.  My right knee has more than 50% cartiledge missing (on the inner part of the knee).  I'm in pain daily-so exercise is not a ton of fun for me-but I do it, because I need to.  A year ago the specialist basically told me they couldn't do anything for me unless I lost weight and my BMI was under 30--which seeing I started this journey with a BMI over 45 -- I felt hopeless.  So I started to look into my options and settled on lapband surgery.  Now that is done, it was time to check back in with the specialist.

I spent yesterday morning at the knee specialist and my hopes to run a 5K with Helen this summer are probably pushed back to next summer.  Which is ok. Since my BMI is down to 39 I only have 10 more points to go until I am eligible for restoration surgery :).  I go back in 6 months and they'll let me know if we can start the process.  I'm very excited that the pain may be going away soon!  And I can start to go back to the things I enjoy -- like hiking my pups! :)

My second doctors appointment was with my weight loss surgeon and I had my first band fill.  For those of you wondering what that means, I have a band around my stomach that restricts the amount of food that I can eat.  The band is adjustable.  To adjust it, I have what they call a port just under my skin, diagonally across from my belly button.  They put a needle through my skin (it felt like a shot) and into my port.  Then they pull the needle out and it creates a suction cup feeling right in my belly.  It was so weird!! I'm back to a liquid diet for the next few days, to make sure that everything passes through my band appropriately and they didn't add too much saline to the band.  But it's well worth it!

All in all, yesterday was full of great news for me.  I'm getting closer to options with my knee and I'm down 51 pounds.  What more could a girl ask for?

Obsession

I know I've been touting how great I feel and how emotionally I've changed--but I have to admit to you that I've developed a new bad habit.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be honest.  I've developed an obsession with the scale-it's kind of bad.  BUT my justification is I just had weight loss surgery-I need to see results to make the surgery worthwhile! Right?!?!  I know it is a little on the slim side for a justification (pun intended-ha), but it's all I've got.  I'll keep working on it. :)

I sort of live and breathe by the red numbers that pop up in the morning to tell me if I'm a good girl or bad girl.  I sort of feel like my success is tied to that--I know, not good. I've been trying to re-frame my thoughts and work on the obsession and I was great until I hit my small victory this week of being under 260 pounds.  Which subsequently led to me dancing a happy dance, in my unmentionables.  I started this journey at an embarrassing 304 - so the happy dance was certainly earned in my eyes.  The pure joy of being the lightest I've been in years was almost like opening a present.  And I felt like a success.  Which unfortunately makes me want to measure my success even more.

So this morning (against my better judgement-but I couldn't help myself ) I stepped on the scale to find I had gained a pound.   And man did my heart sink.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to how could that happen?!? I'm still under 260, but just barely now.  And now that successful feeling I had, has diminished a little.  And I know I'm crazy to feel that way.  I know in my head that my success is measured by so much more than the number on the scale--the fact that I can bend down and tie my shoes, that I can walk for 45-50 minutes on the treadmill at a good clip, that I don't have swollen feet anymore are all non-scale victories that I am so happy about.  And that I can't take for granted, because they're so great for me.  But, the scale is so real.  It's so important to this journey, I can't help but feel obligated to worship it.

So, what do I take away from this cathartic stream of consciousness?  First, that weighing myself daily or more than once a week is going to drive me crazy.  And that I know I need to not weight myself for at least a week right now.  So that I can try to gain control of the obsession I've developed.  Second, that the fears I have of being unsuccessful will eventually subside (I think)-especially when I get myself closer to my goal of yogging with Helen across some sort of finish line.  And finally that right now, with the ups and downs I'm putting myself through a very unreasonable emotional roller coaster.  So, in front of all of you, I swear I won't weigh myself for at least a week.  Ideally I think I should wait for my 7 week checkup on January 26--but I know I'm not *that* strong.

One Month Marker

Wow.  Saturday marked my 1 month since surgery.  And so much has changed...

I started this journey with no clue what I was embarking on.  I knew I would have a learning curve and things would be different, I even knew many of the things that would have to change.  I just didn't realize the work involved- or maybe I did and I ignored it-I haven't decided yet which it is (I lean towards the latter).  In case you're wondering what some of my education and routine entails: relearning how to chew and swallow beverages, crushing pills, taking supplements, suffering through low blood pressure and it's effects, and struggling to meet my daily caloric intake so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and hold on to my excess weight.  There was so much more than the pain of surgery that I just wasn't prepared for.  I knew about the responsibility that was about to fall on my shoulder, but I don't think I was fully cognizant of what was headed my way.

On a positive note, I've learned a lot about myself this past month.  I've learned that being vulnerable is ok and that support from my partner and my friends goes a very long way in keeping me on the right track.  I've learned that I can push my limits and survive and that carbohydrates are certainly a weakness of mine-one that I'm going to struggle with forever.  I've learned nothing stands in my way, but myself and my old habits.  And I've learned that happiness doesn't stem from how I look on the outside, it's who I am on the inside that matters most.  It took me 29 years to put up obstacles for myself mentally and physically and one month to start to take them down.  That to me is the best thing that's happened to me, though the 45 pounds I've dropped isn't too shabby either.

After starting this journey, I thought the hardest part would be the surgery.  It wasn't.  But everything is so worth it.  Every step I take away from the obstacles I had put up, takes me closer to my goal life.  I can't say goal weight, because it's not about the number on the scale, it's so much more than that.  It's the healthy lifestyle I want to lead, it's the physical challenges I want to be able to take on, it's the way I feel emotionally and physically, and it's about how I choose to live my life going forward.

This has been a wonderful month and I'm ready for those that follow to come.  :)