Obsession

I know I've been touting how great I feel and how emotionally I've changed--but I have to admit to you that I've developed a new bad habit.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be honest.  I've developed an obsession with the scale-it's kind of bad.  BUT my justification is I just had weight loss surgery-I need to see results to make the surgery worthwhile! Right?!?!  I know it is a little on the slim side for a justification (pun intended-ha), but it's all I've got.  I'll keep working on it. :)

I sort of live and breathe by the red numbers that pop up in the morning to tell me if I'm a good girl or bad girl.  I sort of feel like my success is tied to that--I know, not good. I've been trying to re-frame my thoughts and work on the obsession and I was great until I hit my small victory this week of being under 260 pounds.  Which subsequently led to me dancing a happy dance, in my unmentionables.  I started this journey at an embarrassing 304 - so the happy dance was certainly earned in my eyes.  The pure joy of being the lightest I've been in years was almost like opening a present.  And I felt like a success.  Which unfortunately makes me want to measure my success even more.

So this morning (against my better judgement-but I couldn't help myself ) I stepped on the scale to find I had gained a pound.   And man did my heart sink.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to how could that happen?!? I'm still under 260, but just barely now.  And now that successful feeling I had, has diminished a little.  And I know I'm crazy to feel that way.  I know in my head that my success is measured by so much more than the number on the scale--the fact that I can bend down and tie my shoes, that I can walk for 45-50 minutes on the treadmill at a good clip, that I don't have swollen feet anymore are all non-scale victories that I am so happy about.  And that I can't take for granted, because they're so great for me.  But, the scale is so real.  It's so important to this journey, I can't help but feel obligated to worship it.

So, what do I take away from this cathartic stream of consciousness?  First, that weighing myself daily or more than once a week is going to drive me crazy.  And that I know I need to not weight myself for at least a week right now.  So that I can try to gain control of the obsession I've developed.  Second, that the fears I have of being unsuccessful will eventually subside (I think)-especially when I get myself closer to my goal of yogging with Helen across some sort of finish line.  And finally that right now, with the ups and downs I'm putting myself through a very unreasonable emotional roller coaster.  So, in front of all of you, I swear I won't weigh myself for at least a week.  Ideally I think I should wait for my 7 week checkup on January 26--but I know I'm not *that* strong.