Judgement Days are Over

Wow.  This surgery has changed me so much in 3 weeks...I feel like a new person.  It's like an out of body experience I hope never ends.

The fears that crippled me and held me back from everything, seem to be subsiding.  The paranoia that everyone is staring at and judging me, because I'm so big has all but dissipated. Fear of failure is disappearing.  The bar that I held so high (I now think was to subconsciously hold myself back), has lowered slightly to a more realistic and attainable place.  These feelings have been replaced with a new zest for life and feeling as though trying new things is how life should be lived.  It's amazingly freeing.

I keep asking myself why I held myself back so much, why I thought it was so important to do things perfectly? Why it was so important to do things as a thin person and not as who I am?  Why I thought people were constantly judging me for my size, rather than seeing me for who I am?  Since we are our own worst critic, the conclusion I came to is since I allowed myself to get so much bigger than I had ever been before, I was judging myself for not being the person society convinced me I should be.  I had played such mind games on myself that I was an insecure mess.  I will never allow myself to do that again.

The mind games and insecurities I'm writing about, bring back a recent memory.  A few weeks ago, I was speaking with a friend and the fact that her daughter has so much self confidence and zest for life came up and how society tends to take that away from  girls as they age.  My friend said she hoped that as her daughter grows she will maintain that attitude and not allow the outside world to influence her and that she'll continue to see the beauty and capabilities within herself.  These words and ideas keep popping back into my head these last few days and are resonating with the "new" mentality I seem to be developing.  I have beauty within that is worth valuing and holding myself back doesn't honor that.  I hope that weight loss surgery recipient or not, you can see that for yourself too.

I realize I will never be supermodel thin, I will never be a marathoner (or sprinter for that matter); but I will be me and for the first time in my life, I'm happy with that.