Wow. This surgery has changed me so much in 3 weeks...I feel like a new person. It's like an out of body experience I hope never ends.
The fears that crippled me and held me back from everything, seem to be subsiding. The paranoia that everyone is staring at and judging me, because I'm so big has all but dissipated. Fear of failure is disappearing. The bar that I held so high (I now think was to subconsciously hold myself back), has lowered slightly to a more realistic and attainable place. These feelings have been replaced with a new zest for life and feeling as though trying new things is how life should be lived. It's amazingly freeing.
I keep asking myself why I held myself back so much, why I thought it was so important to do things perfectly? Why it was so important to do things as a thin person and not as who I am? Why I thought people were constantly judging me for my size, rather than seeing me for who I am? Since we are our own worst critic, the conclusion I came to is since I allowed myself to get so much bigger than I had ever been before, I was judging myself for not being the person society convinced me I should be. I had played such mind games on myself that I was an insecure mess. I will never allow myself to do that again.
The mind games and insecurities I'm writing about, bring back a recent memory. A few weeks ago, I was speaking with a friend and the fact that her daughter has so much self confidence and zest for life came up and how society tends to take that away from girls as they age. My friend said she hoped that as her daughter grows she will maintain that attitude and not allow the outside world to influence her and that she'll continue to see the beauty and capabilities within herself. These words and ideas keep popping back into my head these last few days and are resonating with the "new" mentality I seem to be developing. I have beauty within that is worth valuing and holding myself back doesn't honor that. I hope that weight loss surgery recipient or not, you can see that for yourself too.
I realize I will never be supermodel thin, I will never be a marathoner (or sprinter for that matter); but I will be me and for the first time in my life, I'm happy with that.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes
One of the routes I took to take off weight before the LapBand was a large weight loss surgery brand name system, while sitting in one of the meetings the leader-whom I loved- said one of the most prolific things I had heard in a long time "nothing changes if nothing changes". She hit me with that, like a ton of bricks. I felt as though she was speaking directly to me and not an entire room of women struggling with weight issues. I use it not just as a mantra for my weight loss, but for my life. If I'm unhappy with where I'm at somewhere in my life, I've got to make a change-otherwise I'll eat my weight in rice being unhappy.
One of the changes I've incorporated into my life is working out. I can't sit back on my haunches and wait for my little tummy to make me lose weight,I'd get nowhere. I've got to take control and actively participate in my weight loss. Yesterday, I took my first Zumba class (and boy do I feel it today). It's a huge milestone for me. Not only did I take a group fitness class, but I did it without anyone with me. My weight held me back so much that I wouldn't try anything new without someone doing it with me, I felt as though people were staring at the biggest girl in the room and that girl was always me. So going to that class was a huge step and going alone was an even bigger step. And I couldn't be happier.
Happiness with myself has been such a foreign concept to me, that I feel like a lead blanket has been lifted off of my life. Sadly, it was a blanket I didn't even know existed. I lived in the viscous circle of fat--I'm unhappy that I'm chunky and unhappiness always led me to eat--which is why I've made the largest change I could make in my life--I made my stomach the size of a medium sized egg. In taking back my stomach, I took back my life.
Something changed because something changed.
One of the changes I've incorporated into my life is working out. I can't sit back on my haunches and wait for my little tummy to make me lose weight,I'd get nowhere. I've got to take control and actively participate in my weight loss. Yesterday, I took my first Zumba class (and boy do I feel it today). It's a huge milestone for me. Not only did I take a group fitness class, but I did it without anyone with me. My weight held me back so much that I wouldn't try anything new without someone doing it with me, I felt as though people were staring at the biggest girl in the room and that girl was always me. So going to that class was a huge step and going alone was an even bigger step. And I couldn't be happier.
Happiness with myself has been such a foreign concept to me, that I feel like a lead blanket has been lifted off of my life. Sadly, it was a blanket I didn't even know existed. I lived in the viscous circle of fat--I'm unhappy that I'm chunky and unhappiness always led me to eat--which is why I've made the largest change I could make in my life--I made my stomach the size of a medium sized egg. In taking back my stomach, I took back my life.
Something changed because something changed.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
My First Holiday with a Pouch
My first holiday with a pouch, rather than a stomach, was as successful as I could have hoped for. I watched as my family ate numerous things I could not-shrimp (too dense for my pouch right now), bread pudding (expands so my pouch can't handle it yet), chips and salsa (wasted calories), and cookies (wasted calories). I measured out my my ham for dinner. My brother's jaw dropped when he saw how little meat 2 ounces actually was. I ate 4 roasted potatoes with my ham and that was my dinner. Not much for the average human...but thanks to my pouch it was a great holiday meal for me.
All in all the holiday was great. I went through a lot a lot a lot of mind hunger. For those unfamiliar, it is when you mentally feel like you should be eating, but you aren't physically hungry. It takes a ton of work to recognize the difference and I'm trying to reprogram my mind in addition to my body. The battle I'm waging with myself right now is a lot of work, but its all worthwhile. I certainly wanted to eat more than I allowed myself, but again that was my mind and not my actual stomach.
Obviously, as my first holiday passed I feel I was as successful as I could be. And I'm thankful that it went as well as it did. :)
All in all the holiday was great. I went through a lot a lot a lot of mind hunger. For those unfamiliar, it is when you mentally feel like you should be eating, but you aren't physically hungry. It takes a ton of work to recognize the difference and I'm trying to reprogram my mind in addition to my body. The battle I'm waging with myself right now is a lot of work, but its all worthwhile. I certainly wanted to eat more than I allowed myself, but again that was my mind and not my actual stomach.
Obviously, as my first holiday passed I feel I was as successful as I could be. And I'm thankful that it went as well as it did. :)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
2 Week Check Up
Sorry it's been so long, since I last posted--the holiday season has been crazy! Today happens to be Christmas Day--Merry Christmas to those who practice.
I had my two week check up just a few days ago. Everything went well! Thank goodness! I happened to run into a gentleman that had weight loss surgery a few days before me, he had Gastric Bypass versus my Lapband. He looked fabulous! One of the differences between the two surgeries is the rapid weight loss associated with the bypass surgery as opposed to the slower slightly more natural weight loss associated with the lapband. My friend lost 14 pounds over the course of one weekend!! Seeing him was wonderful. It was really nice to sit and talk with someone taking this journey with me. He experienced many if not all of the same issues I have. He missed chewing. He was having a hard time getting his pills down in the new crushed form that we're forced to use. He didn't however, suffer the feeling that everything shifted up whenever he bends over like I do - for those of you wondering it's one of the only times that I can actually feel the band around my stomach (the surgeon later said this was normal). My friend had lots of good advice and happy positive thoughts. We both agreed this was a great life-changing decision and well worth the most difficult month of my life.
Anyways, back to the check up appointment. They took off my steri-strips and my incision sites looked great. And more importantly, I was FINALLY moved up to the next stage in the food diet-the fourth stage.
For those of you unaware, there are 5 stages in the Weight Loss Surgery Food Diet. The first is just water (given in 2 tsp amounts and drunk over an hour time frame). The second is clear liquids (given the same as above). The third is where I have been for the last 2 weeks, smooth foods. Smooth foods consist of protein shakes, soups, and anything pureed. For an Italian this is a pretty bland diet and very hard! The fourth stage is actual food again...YAY!...I get to eat 1-3oz moist pieces of meat, steamed (to mushy) vegetables, mashed potatoes. The best part is I get to chew again! The fifth and final stage is normal foods, which includes raw vegetables--this is where I'll be for the rest of my life. I never thought I would crave a salad, but I do! And I can't wait until I get to stage 5 and I can have salad again! 5 more weeks to wait!
Weight loss update: I've lost 40 pounds since the end of September and 14 pounds since my surgery.
I had my two week check up just a few days ago. Everything went well! Thank goodness! I happened to run into a gentleman that had weight loss surgery a few days before me, he had Gastric Bypass versus my Lapband. He looked fabulous! One of the differences between the two surgeries is the rapid weight loss associated with the bypass surgery as opposed to the slower slightly more natural weight loss associated with the lapband. My friend lost 14 pounds over the course of one weekend!! Seeing him was wonderful. It was really nice to sit and talk with someone taking this journey with me. He experienced many if not all of the same issues I have. He missed chewing. He was having a hard time getting his pills down in the new crushed form that we're forced to use. He didn't however, suffer the feeling that everything shifted up whenever he bends over like I do - for those of you wondering it's one of the only times that I can actually feel the band around my stomach (the surgeon later said this was normal). My friend had lots of good advice and happy positive thoughts. We both agreed this was a great life-changing decision and well worth the most difficult month of my life.
Anyways, back to the check up appointment. They took off my steri-strips and my incision sites looked great. And more importantly, I was FINALLY moved up to the next stage in the food diet-the fourth stage.
For those of you unaware, there are 5 stages in the Weight Loss Surgery Food Diet. The first is just water (given in 2 tsp amounts and drunk over an hour time frame). The second is clear liquids (given the same as above). The third is where I have been for the last 2 weeks, smooth foods. Smooth foods consist of protein shakes, soups, and anything pureed. For an Italian this is a pretty bland diet and very hard! The fourth stage is actual food again...YAY!...I get to eat 1-3oz moist pieces of meat, steamed (to mushy) vegetables, mashed potatoes. The best part is I get to chew again! The fifth and final stage is normal foods, which includes raw vegetables--this is where I'll be for the rest of my life. I never thought I would crave a salad, but I do! And I can't wait until I get to stage 5 and I can have salad again! 5 more weeks to wait!
Weight loss update: I've lost 40 pounds since the end of September and 14 pounds since my surgery.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Introduction to my Journey
Hi All!
This is the story of the beginning of my weight loss surgery journey...
On December 7 at 8am I walked through the doors of the hospital and left my "old life" behind. It was the scariest moment of my life. Everything I have ever known was no more. The years of overeating, living to eat rather than eating to live, and yo-yo dieting were over.
Leading up to this moment were years of attempts at weight loss. Several large "brand" weight loss programs, that would work but the weight would always slowly creep back up, diet and exercise on my own, and numerous fad diets that left me feeling like I could eat a small child. Making the decision to take charge of my life really made all the difference in the way I felt about myself. I felt that I was finally in charge of my life again.
After vascillating back and forth between the two procedures my insurance would cover (Bypass and LapBand), I decided Lapband surgery was right for me. As I was told over and over again, it is a super personal decision and no one can guide you one way or the other. In my case, I had no co-morbidities (ie-diabetes, high blood pressure) that made a quick weight loss necessary paired with the more invasive procedure that bypass is-led me to believe that LapBand was right for me.
I'm very happy with my choice and feel as though I've made the right decision, especially since my results have been so positive. To give you an idea of how this is going, since my surgery 12 days ago, I've lost over 10 pounds and in total I've lost 36.5 pounds since this journey began in late September. YAY!! :)
That's it for now, I will chat again soon!
This is the story of the beginning of my weight loss surgery journey...
On December 7 at 8am I walked through the doors of the hospital and left my "old life" behind. It was the scariest moment of my life. Everything I have ever known was no more. The years of overeating, living to eat rather than eating to live, and yo-yo dieting were over.
Leading up to this moment were years of attempts at weight loss. Several large "brand" weight loss programs, that would work but the weight would always slowly creep back up, diet and exercise on my own, and numerous fad diets that left me feeling like I could eat a small child. Making the decision to take charge of my life really made all the difference in the way I felt about myself. I felt that I was finally in charge of my life again.
After vascillating back and forth between the two procedures my insurance would cover (Bypass and LapBand), I decided Lapband surgery was right for me. As I was told over and over again, it is a super personal decision and no one can guide you one way or the other. In my case, I had no co-morbidities (ie-diabetes, high blood pressure) that made a quick weight loss necessary paired with the more invasive procedure that bypass is-led me to believe that LapBand was right for me.
I'm very happy with my choice and feel as though I've made the right decision, especially since my results have been so positive. To give you an idea of how this is going, since my surgery 12 days ago, I've lost over 10 pounds and in total I've lost 36.5 pounds since this journey began in late September. YAY!! :)
That's it for now, I will chat again soon!
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